Mop Tops and Topknots

By Kevin James Kage

It is hard to imagine what can happen to a bored kender stuck alone in a mage's private chamber. Hard, mainly because it so very rarely happens. Most wizards have enough precaution to double lock, triple bolt, quadruple ward and quintuple guard against possible kender invasions. Still, every so often, a mage who has been nipping at his herbs a bit too much forgets a lock here and a ward there. Moreover, every great while, at the specific instant when said wizard is shuffling his way out of his study, a kender happens to be strolling near by. Let us imagine that this kender manages to work her way passed all the lock and wards of the room. Let's imagine that inside, this kender resolves to work some very great and powerful magic. Let us also imagine that the complex spell the Kender unleashed was ever so slightly miscast, and a relatively basic mass destruction spell became a conduit from one world to another....

The identity of the four lads that stepped across that threshold remain unknown to all except for the kender herself, the careless wizard, and Astinus of Palanthus. They spoke a strange dialect, smiled a lot and claimed they came from some strange land called Liverpool.

Beyond this, little is known, except they were shortly returned to their land via the portal that brought them. Still, that brief encounter with the denizens of Krynn changed their outlook on music forever. Later that year, they produced an album, it was called:

WEIS AND HICKMAN'S HEROES OF THE LANCE

"Weis and Hickman's Heroes of the Lance"
(sung to the tune of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band")

Astinus:
It's been fourteen years or more since when,
Weis and Hickman wrote the books of Krynn.
Now there's sixty books or even more,
With the characters that we adore
So let me introduce to you,
The champions who saved the world:
WEIS AND HICKMAN'S HEROES OF THE LANCE!

Heroes:
We're Weis and Hickman's Heroes of the Lance
A Household name throughout the land.
We're Weis and Hickman's Heroes of the Lance
The Dark Queen's gotten out of hand.
Weis and Hickman's Heroes, Weis and Hickman's Heroes
Weis and Hickman's Heroes of the Lance.
We're such unlikely heroes!
It's certainly a thrill.
Why did Paladine call on us?
Could we go back to Solace now?
We'd just like to go home!

Astinus:
I don't really mean to cause concern,
But there's something that you all should learn:
There's a kender somewhere in the crowd
And he'd like to sing a song aloud.
So let me introduce to you
The one and only Tasslehoff!
And Weis and Hickman's Heroes of the Lance!

Heroes:
TAS-SLE-HOFF!!!

((Crowd runs away screaming))

I Just Find a Lot of Stuff of my Friends
(sung to the tune of "I Get By with a Little Help from My Friends")

Tasslehoff:
What would you do if I borrowed your things?
Would you threaten to padlock your purse?
What did you say, Sir?... oh, these are your rings?
Well you don't have to hollar and curse!

I just find a lot of stuff of my friends!
I just mind a lot of stuff for my friends!
I'm inclined to find the stuff of my friends!

What if the city guard drags me away?

Flint (to Tanis):
We don't have to get him back, this time!

Tasslehoff:
Tanis will come at the end of the day!

Tanis (to Flint):
My friend, someone must keep you in line.

Flint: *Scowl*

Tasslehoff:
I just find a lot of stuff of my friends.
I just mind a lot of stuff for my friends.
I'm inclined to find the stuff of my friends.

Caramon:
Did you guys see my money???

Tasslehoff:
Don't worry I found your purse!

Caramon:
Don't you steal any money!

Tasslehoff:
You must have dropped it of course!

Heroes:
Do you believe you just find what we lose?

Tasslehoff:
Yes I'm sure that it happens all the time.

Heroes:
If we called you "thief" would the nickname abuse?

Tasslehoff:
Yes, of course. I lead no life of crime!

I just find a lot of stuff of my friends
I just mind a lot of stuff for my friends
A lot of stuff of my friends!

Raistlin and the Staff of Magius
(sung to the tune of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds")

Picture yourself on a boat on the Crystalmir
With Hobgoblin guards giving sharp howls and cries
Knowing the danger, a man rises slowly
A wizard with hourglass eyes.
Sprinkles of fine white sand trail from his hand
Magic words send them away.
Look for the Gods in the stars in the sky
And they're gone.

Raistlin and the Staff of Magius
Raistlin and the Staff of Magius
Raistlin and the Staff of Magius

Follow the White Stag into the dark forest
Where specters of warriors roam free in the night
Holding the staff, the red wizard steps forward
Providing a pale gleaming light.
Magical creatures are found in the glade
A unicorn shows you the way.
Climb on griffon back and soar into the clouds
And you're gone.

Raistlin and the Staff of Magius
Raistlin and the Staff of Magius
Raistlin and the Staff of Magius

Picture yourself in a tower of magic
With onyx black walls and bloody red spires
Someone one is searching for godhood through magic
The Wizard with Hourglass Eyes....

Raistlin and the Staff of Magius
Raistlin and the Staff of Magius
Raistlin and the Staff of Magius...

"Mop Tops and Topknots" © Kevin James Kage