|
New Book by Weis and Hickman "Presently there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door". So wrote Edgar Allen Poe. However, when a similar rapping was heard at the front door of Margaret Weis, it was me doing the knocking, rather than some spooky raven. Anyway, no-one came to the door, so I smashed a window and broke in. And what did I find, lying by her computer? Why, a manuscript for a new Dragonlance novel. Yes, it turns out that her and Tracy's claims that they would not write another book in the DL saga were a load of old rubbish. Now, for the benefit of all you loyal Afdlers out there, I have faithfully transcribed the opening chaper of "Dragons Of Yet Another Natural Phenomenon" for your perusal. Happy reading... --- Sweeping through the darkened corridors of the Tower of High Saucery, the elven mage Dalliance halted before a mirror, nervously checking his own appearance. His eyes took in the flowing black robes, the tumbling dark hair and sharp features. A shiver of excitment passed through him as he anticipated the evening ahead at the Christmas party of the Mages' Convex. In a mere few hours, he would by applying mascara to his almond eyes, lipstick to his full mouth, and preparing to romance the mighty head of the Convex, Pa Salient. But first, he must beg leave from his Shalami. Surpressing his excitment, he continued throughout the corridors and up winding staircases until he reached the chamber of his Shalami, the most powerful archmage who had ever lived - Raspin Majeer. Quietly pushing open the heavy oak door, he slipped inside and squinted as his eyes became accustomed to the light inside the cold stone chamber. Within moments he could make out the dark shape of Raspin on the far side of the room, sitting with his back to Dalliance. Preparing to announce himself, the breath caught in Dalliance's throat as he realised that his Shalami was deep in concentration, muttering the words of an ancient incantation. Unsure of whether to proceed further into the room or slip out again, unnoticed, the elf remained where he was, regarding the completion of the spell with curiosity. As Raspin ended the words of his incantation, the room grew suddenly darker and, as Dalliance watched, an illuminated figure appeared on the desk in front of the archmage. Standing at around six inches in height, Dalliance recognised the figure as an elf maiden - and as a low music began to fill the chamber, the maiden began to dance, slowly removing clothing to the sound of the tune. As he leaned forward to watch intently, Raspin's slender golden hand reached beneath the desk. Presently, Dalliance heard the sound of robes rustling. Suddenly recalling his reason for being there, Dalliance coughed sharply to attract his Shalami's attention. Startled at the intrusion, Raspin spun around, and the maiden disappeared immediately, while the darkness in the chamber lifted. "What the hell are you doing?" he demanded angrily, before doubling up as coughs wracked his puny body. Dalliance rushed forward to offer Raspin help, but the archmage raised a hand to stop him. "There is no cure for my malady," he said for the 13,429th time since Dalliance had known him, sneering like a teenager who thinks Marilyn Manson is the height of sophistication. "Cigarettes did this to my body. Tobacco seriously damages health, and it's not sexy either - kissing me would be like snogging an ashtray. Only losers smoke, and many people lose a loved one through smoking. Don't do it, kids." His tirade over, Raspin lapsed into silence, and Dalliance used the lull to tell him of the party that evening. A knowing smile creased his Shalami's hideous golden face. "Ah yes, you must go and see your friend, Pa Salient... although I believe he will want you for more than just the pleasure of your company." "Oh, I do hope so, I..." began Dalliance, before checking himself. "What do you mean, Shalami?" Raspin sighed like an old washer woman. "Is it not obvious? There is a new book out, and we are to be cast as the saviours of humanity yet again. Then people will take part in endless boring debates about whether I'm truly evil or not; it's so goddamn dull." "How does my trip to the party tie in with this?" asked Dalliance. "Because he'll ask you to take part in some fools' quest, no doubt surrounding the attempts of my old enemy Tackhyplot to enter Krynn. Remember, they have brought me back from the dead for the 98th time, so it must be to serve some purpose. It can't just be because the new characters are so crashingly two-dimensional. "Yes, it should be obvious what will happen," continued Raspin, as a shadow passed across his face. "But I can no longer see." "Why not, Shalami?" "Because a shadow has passed across my face. Kindly move away from that candle, would you?" Dalliance did as he asked, and Raspin went on. "Of course I know what will happen, but there is no point telling you, because that would negate the need for yet another cash-cow trilogy. So I'm just going to be enigmatic. "Now, go to your party and leave me be. I'm awaiting a visit from the cleric Crysanalist. She will be here shortly." Dalliance prepared to respond, but he suddenly found himself outside the door again. He smiled to himself, understanding what would be going on in the Tower later that night. Dalliance knew that Crysanalist found his Shalami attractive, even though if they were real people and not characters in a book, no woman would ever find such a whey-faced milksop a turn-on. With that, he turned away, his loins stirring at the thought of Pa Salient in a loincloth... "New Book by Weis and Hickman" © Sir Matt Potter |
