Interview With A (Not So) Jolly Old Fat Man
This year, I decided to take a trip to a cold, desolate region of the world, which some of you may think would be the home of your in-laws. But, no, I visited and interviewed Santa Claus!
Unfortunately, Santa wasn't home - with the holidays now over, Santa packed his bags and went on vacation. Fortunately, I finally tracked him down in the Bahamas!
Raistlehoff: Greetings, Santa!
Santa: What do you want? You know you elves have work to do, damn it! Christmas is only 360 days away again, and I can't get everything from Amazon.com! You guys get a vacation when I say you get a vacation, and not until then! Now go home and quit bothering me already!
Raistlehoff: Me? An elf? No, no! I'm a kender. Half-kender actually - I still have the pointy ears. Schizophrenic sometimes, generally wandering. Usually cheerful. Like you, Santa! But I weigh a lot less than you. You really should consider a diet some time.
Santa looks perplexed.
Santa: What *are* you?
Raistlehoff: I just TOLD you! Maybe you need a hearing aide next Christmas!
Santa: I think I need another drink, actually.
Raistlehoff: Whatcha drinking?
Santa: It's called an 'Alien Secretion'. Care to try?
(The drink consists of 1 part Midori Melon Liqueur, 1 part Malibu Coconut Rum, 1 part Pineapple Juice, and is not recommended for the faint of liquor.)
Raistlehoff: Not really. It LOOKS like somebody's secretion.
So, you are called Santa Claus and St. Nick, among other things. Why do you have aliases? Do you have something to hide from the law?
Santa: Something to hide from the law? Ha! I climb down millions of chimneys in one night every year. Do you know how many counts of breaking and entering that some countries would love to bring me up on?
The Chinese government already tried to shoot me down over Inner Mongolia a couple of years back. Something about "violating their sovereign air space".
But, different peoples have called me different things over the centuries. Most of the naughty people I've left coal for just called me "Asshole" though. Or worse.
Raistlehoff: Oh, you mean like how Paladine is called the Platinum Dragon by some and E'li by the elves?
Santa: The elves? You mean those little buggers worship somebody other than me!? I'm going to bust their asses for this! Sticks and stones may break their bones, but torture devices are more entertaining!
Raistlehoff: Umm, ok, whatever you say, Santa.
Santa: Say, I should see which list you're on… whatever you are.
Raistlehoff: It seems like you have a naughty streak of your own, Santa.
Santa: Yes, well, if only Mrs. Claus knew what I had on my computer's hard drive.
Raistlehoff: So, back to the law breaking. You live at the North Pole. Shouldn't you be easy to find?
Santa: Well, see, that's the neat thing about this gig. My home at the North Pole is actually inside a pocket universe of my own creation, connected to the real world by a trans-dimensional portal that I now control with my PDA. It's far easier than in centuries past, where I had to perform a few rituals, sacrifice a few elves, and all that mojo.
Raistlehoff: Umm, do you think you can explain that one in Common?
Santa: It means I have a few degrees in "Geekiness". Now go away so I can get back to my stress relief: watching all the ladies.
With Christmas past and the holidays now over, Santa informed me that can now not be found on vacation somewhere else for the next 11 months.
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