Interview With A (Happier) Old Fat Man
This summer, I decided to pay another visit to my old friend Santa Claus. Unfortunately, he wasn't home. Not surprising, since he said he'd be on vacation all year. I tried the Bahamas, and true to his word, he really did decide to go somewhere else for the rest of his vacation! The nerve!
But, like a good little kender on Wanderlust, I eventually tracked him down on Fiji! Santa was so happy to see me when I got there, that he nearly had a heart attack when I walked up to him on the beach!
Raistlehoff: Santa! It's good to see you again!
Santa: @#$%'ing elf. What the hell do you want?
Raistlehoff: I just thought I'd drop by to see how you were doing, follow up on our interview from last year!
Santa eyes Raistlehoff carefully.
Santa: You? You're that queer one, aren't you? They told me about you when I checked in with the North Pole last month. They all said "No freaks allowed in Santa's Workshop". But I didn't listen, no...
Raistlehoff: Umm, Santa? Are you drunk? I visited you in the Bahamas just after Christmas, remember!
Santa: Not particularly, no. Eh? Put that bottle down, pipsqueak! Now put the other bottle down! And that's my best tequila, damn it! Let go of it! And if you touch my Alien Secretion again, I'll break your fingers!
Santa belches in a manner that would make Barny Gumble proud.
Santa: There, now who says that the threat of violence never solves anything, eh?
Raistlehoff: So, Santa, how have you been doing? Is Mrs. Claus here with you? Can I say hi to her?
Santa: No, you can't.
Raistlehoff: Why not?
Santa: Because Mrs. Claus found out what was on my hard drive. And then I caught her cheating on me!
Raistlehoff: Cheating on you? With who?
Santa: Those blasted elves!
Raistlehoff: Umm, elves?
Santa: Four, to be exact. They were doing things appropriate only in the Adult Entertainment business!
Raistlehoff: So that would explain the two topless ladies lying on either side of you?
Santa: Hmm. Yes, I think it would.
Raistlehoff: So, Santa, what kind of presents are you go to bring to all the good little dwarven girls and ogre boys this year?
Santa: Dwarves? What do I look like, Snow White? I'm only getting stuff for myself this year!
Raistlehoff: What are some of your favorite places to visit on Krynn, Santa?
Santa: Well, let's see now. The "Ultimate Pleasure Baths of Istar" would probably be tops on my list. But that was hundreds of years ago, before that Kingpriest business really got going. Of course, then that Cataclysm ruined everything.
The baths in Tarsis are pretty good too! But they haven't been up to par in recent years either. The baths in Palanthas were ok, but sometimes you can't be picky when you're only on the planet for one night a year.
Raistlehoff: Well, anything other than bath houses, perhaps?
Santa: Let's see. Hmm. Nope. There are some good beaches, but no women. No resorts, no five-star hotels. Lots of death and destruction, which isn't my thing (although it helps me keep up an impressive "naughty" list).
Now, if you don't mind...
Santa waves his hand
You will go away.
Raistlehoff: Ok, Santa, I will go away now! See you later!
Santa waves his hand again as Raistlehoff walks away
Santa: No, you will not. I knew that 'mind trick' stuff I picked up would come in handy...
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