Interview with a Deathknight
Some months after the last visit by a member of the DLU to Lord Soth, shortly after his obliteration at the hands of Takhisis, a new DLU member has arrived to chat with Soth about what he's been up to lately.
Raistlehoff pops into existence near Soth's hovering spirit.
Soth: Who are you?
Raistlehoff: Me? Oh, just a kender. Well, half-kender. Actually, I'm more half-demigod-kender than just a plain ol' half-kender. Which is how I got here, you know. I've got all these wondrous powers that let me go visit places and find things, and talk to people. Even you, and you're dead! Twice!
Soth eyes the kender for a moment.
Soth: You look vaguely familiar.
Raistlehoff: Oh, well, my father is Tasslehoff Burrfoot. You remember him don't you? You wanted to kill him for being such an annoying bastard. And my father, well, other father, is Raistlin. He did become a god you know. Not in the universe that you were from, but some other one. He was my only company growing up, after he killed my fath... Tasslehoff. He finally got tired of him.
Soth stood dumbfounded for awhile.
Raistlehoff: Hey, you didn't turn to stone or something did you? That would be kinda hard for a dead guy to do, but you're Lord Soth though! Power Word Kill and all that! Point a finger and BAM! Somebody drops dead.
Soth mumbles: If only I still could…
Raistlehoff: So what's it like being dead… again?
Soth: It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.
Raistlehoff: A what?
Soth: Never mind. When I died, the first time, I was cursed to live forever within a shell of a body. Now I am a roaming spirit, free of my curse, but I have no body at all.
Raistlehoff twitches violently.
Raistlehoff: Hard to get laid that way, isn't it?
Soth ignored the question.
Soth: Who sent you anyways?
Raistlehoff: Who else? The Boss. He likes to check up on you now and then, especially after the way you reacted after your latest death.
Raistlehoff twitches violently.
Soth: Your boss wants to see me cry again, doesn't he?
Raistlehoff: (sarcasm) The Boss is a he!? I didn't know that!
Soth: Like I care.
Raistlehoff snickers. Soth decided to change the subject.
Soth: How would you like to visit some… friends of mine?
Raistlehoff: Oh yeah, who are they?
Soth: They are kender, like yourself. I suppose. They're vampyric kender.
Raistlehoff: Really!? How do I go meet them? Kender as vampires! Sounds neat!
Soth points off to his right.
Soth: See that mist over there? Just head in that direction and you'll find them.
Soth thinks: I found a way out, but maybe that kender will not!
Raistlehoff walks toward the Mist, but then twitches violently, and turns around and heads back to Lord Soth.
Raistlehoff: Hey, you're just trying to get rid of me?
Soth: What gave you that idea?
Raistlehoff: You shouldn't do that, ya jerk! No wonder you couldn't prevent the Cataclysm, 'cause you're just an ass!
Raistlehoff twiches violently.
Soth: What's your problem anyways?
Raistlehoff: I suffer from split personalities
Soth: Oh?
Raistlehoff: Yeah, you would too if you had my parents. So what's it like not being a potted plant for once?
Soth: Potted plant! Ha! The gods play cruel tricks. They move me here, they transplant me there, thinking the scenery is better suited for me. A little pruning would be fine now and then, and then allow me to grow to my full potential! But no, they change their minds over and over. And finally, they just kill me. Bastards.
Raistlehoff: Complain a lot, don't you?
Soth: I am Lord Soth, Death Knight of Krynn -
Raistlehoff: So we've heard.
Soth: -- not some lowly undead to be treated with disrespect and tossed aside on a whim!
Raistlehoff: Maybe you'd be better off in the Realms!
Soth: Why would I want to be potted in that useless place?
Raistlehoff: Good question! So you'd be more well-travelled?
Soth: I grow weary of your presence, kender.
Raistlehoff: You know, I hear that a lot from people. I can't really figure out why, either. Was it something I did? I can't think of anything I did that would annoy so many people. Maybe people should be more friendly in general. Yes, that would certainly help. If people were more friendly then they wouldn't get as annoyed, right?
Soth: Do you have a purpose for being here, other than to annoy me?
Raistlehoff twitches violently.
Raistlehoff: Hey! I'm the one asking the questions here, dammit! But no, not really. I mean, like I said, I'm here to check up on you. We don't want you getting lonely now or anything.
Soth: At this point, that would be a blessing.
Raistlehoff: (sarcasm) Well, aren't we just being nice about our efforts to liven up your life. But no, somebody has to go and ruin everything for me.
Raistlehoff twitches violently.
Raistlehoff: So, now that the War of Souls is over, what do you think?
Soth: About what?
Raistlehoff: About everything! Most of the greatest dragons dead! Many heroes gone, other places destroyed. The gods are back! And Takhisis took it up the -
Soth: Ahem. You forgot someone important.
Raistlehoff: Did I? Oh well, I guess it wasn't somebody important then, else I would have remembered it of course.
Soth: Of course. And just wait, some idiot will resurrect that joke of a god.
Raistlehoff: I guess I should interview you a bit more, shouldn't I? I mean, this has been great fun and all, visiting the legendary Lord Soth, twice roadkill upon the highways and byways of Krynn, but I suppose I have a job to do. So what is your favorite word?
Soth: Power word kill.
Raistlehoff: That's three words.
Soth: Then it is my favorite phrase.
Raistlehoff hmpfs.
Raistlehoff: What's your least favorite word?
Soth: Kender.
Raistlehoff: Hey! I take offense to that!
Soth: Good.
Raistlehoff: If you could do any profession other than your own, what would you do?
Soth: To be a Death Knight.
Raistlehoff: But you're already a Death Knight?
Soth: No, I'm a gardener. What else do you think I could do as a potted plant?
Raistlehoff: Good point! So when can I come and visit you again?
Soth: When the gods treat me with dignity and respect.
Raistlehoff: But that'll never happen!
Soth: Exactly. Now if only I would get some respect out of other beings as well. Particularly kender.
Raistlehoff twitches violently.
Raistlehoff: Oh, yeah, you really make a kender feel welcome. Next time the Boss wants somebody to interview you, he can send somebody else. It isn't worth dealing with a sack of bones hiding in a tin can anyways!
Raistlehoff disappears.
Soth: Well. That took longer than usual...
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