Love, Lust, and the Gods in the Age of Mortals
NOTE!!! SPOILERS FOR WAR OF THE SOULS
With all the focus on the love lives of mortals on Krynn, you would think this essay would be unnecessary. But little attention continues to be given to the idea that that the gods' romances and trysts are as worthy of the tabloids as any two-bit Majere (the mortal kind) or lovesick elf. Of course, since most storywriters are mortal, dissing on the gods has historically proven a bad idea for mortals. Since that isn't a limitation we Raistlins suffer from, however, I can bring you this Valentine's Day update on the current state of love (or something...) among the gods in the Age of Mortals.
The Gods of Good
One might be tempted to believe that this would be a boring topic. After all, the gods of good are all very straightforward, honest, stereotypically conventionally, romantically sappy, and... well... good in their interpersonal relationships, right? Um no. Truth to tell, the gods of good are frequently as subject to the various idiosyncrasies of love and lust as any intelligent being. They just make it look shinier then their peers.
For starters, consider Branchala. Lacking any long-term commitments (the rumors surrounding his "true" relationship with Habbakuk are as false as they are lurid), Branchala is pretty renown for... playing the field. To paraphrase a popular comedian, Branchala is certainly willing to substitute the need for Miss Right with the position of Miss Right Now. And pulls it off with a regularity that shames any mortal celebrity one could name. This is a guy for whom whole books have written just keeping track of all the women, and he drives Gilean up a wall trying to keep it all straight. And, believe me, his clerics follow their deity religiously, which has made him a popular hook-up for followers in the Age of Mortals. Anyone who says Branchalan "celebrations of life" are good, clean fun passed out waaaaaaayyyyyyyy too early in the evening...
Habbakuk is considerably more conventional in his dating practices. Certainly he is known for relationships that last more then a single night, which makes his relationships more stable and easy to keep up on then Branchala. Unfortunately, the difficulty with Habakuk's love life lies in remembering exactly which species his latest paramour of choice might belong to. He's a pretty "equal-opportunity" dater, as far as the natural world is concerned, and bipeds are a distinct minority in the animal kingdom. Also, most of us have found it really hard to gracefully ask him how someone apparently named "Sss" or "Gik" might be doing. And never, ever, get him to tell you his story about his day's life as a mayfly...
For a guy whose symbol is the rose and who provided his name to the most convoluted and overly complicated relationship histories in Ansalon, you'd figure Majere would have to have at least some degree of love life. Yeah. Right. This guy demonstrates the monk vow of chastity so well that his followers sin just by being mortal. Meditation is just never going to be all that romantic (although I understand virtual reality is showing promise). It's hard to say much more then that, as making something out of nothing is a task I leave to qualified individuals like the Knights of Solamnia or the Lord of Palanthas. Of course, maybe Majere just has the universe's greatest imagination...
Mishakal has it kind of tough right now, here just after the War of Souls. She and Paladine had an honestly good and stable marriage going. Losing him was hard, and Paladine will be a hard act to follow. Very few people can combine a bushy grey beard, dopey manner, and no fashion sense into sex appeal. Be that as it may, Paladine now walks the world as an elf (am I alone in thinking he would have been better off picking a more short-lived species?). That makes the possibility of a continued "equal partnership" impossible. So, we have Mishakal cast as a widow, and regarded as prime for remarriage by a lot of folks out here. It didn't take much more then a couple days before the courtship gifts and proposals started rolling in from all quarters. Even a couple of her fellow gods tossed their hats in the ring. But nothing has come of that so far, except for some laughs. The most hilarious offer came from Sargonnas. Oh yeah. THAT's a good match... Sargonnas sent his proposal along with a gift... a pure white and obviously virile bull. That message wasn't lost on anyone present (subtle, Sargonnas is not). I will, however, give Mishakal points for her response. She thanked the ambassador graciously, but indicated her herd wasn't in need of any breeding studs at this time. Don't know if that ambassador survived giving her rejection to Sargonnas, but I do remember reading that quite a few minotaur weddings have gotten canceled or re-scheduled indoors due to surprising levels of volcanic activity nearby...
To my best knowledge, the painfully naïve Kiri-Jolith has never played the game of love. He's pretty focused on what he sees as his duties and honor to the exclusion of other motivations. Since arranged marriages went out of style among the gods a couple thousand years ago, that means any sort of love life has been pretty much out of his reach. Recently though, he's been sticking awfully close by Mishakal more and more, and seems to be striving towards out-Paladine-ing Paladine. It may be just his honor and duty kicking in, but someone should probably point out to Kiri-Jolith that, traditionally, it was the role of a dead husband's brother, not his son, to marry a widowed wife...
Many people on Krynn regard moonlit walks as being romantic. Happens all the time. Though some people prefer the red moon to the white for such things, most people got used to having a whitish moon before the War of Souls for such things while the gods were gone. So the white moon is more popular overall, and Solinari gets to witness a lot of romantic activity. Unfortunately, this means that Solinari, who is a self-righteous know-it-all anyway, firmly styles himself an expert in all things romantic. I suppose one can't argue against his consistent experience. Not only has Solinari never successfully completed a date without his partner ditching him, but also every other couple who has listened to Solinari's expert advice has broken up fairly soon afterward. It's so good to be an expert...
The Gods of Neutrality
The gods of neutrality are known for either being really good in relationships or really bad. Interestingly enough though, they are a bit more predictable and consistent then either the gods of good or evil.
Gilean is probably the last god anyone would associate with being interested in romance, or even lust... ok, I'll concede a point made about Morgion. After all, Gilean spends literally all his time in front of a book recording absolutely everything that happens in the world, including everyone's thoughts, feelings, words, actions... yeah, you probably came to the same realization that I did upon thinking about that. After all, who needs the responsibilities and burdens of a relationship when you enjoy all the perks of Voyeurism as part of your portfolio? Just remember that, if you are sitting at a restaurant with your significant other having a romantic dinner, and suddenly feel a compulsion to write their sweet nothings down for future reference in your library, a dirty old man in a grey robe may be spying...
Reorx has as much luck in the dating scene as he does shooting craps... that is to say, no luck at all. Oh sure, he understands the principles involved well enough. He spends a lot of time around mortals, after all, and is quite charming. In fact, if you can get him talking on the mechanics and dynamics of relationships, you will find that he's put together some extensive and practical studies, including drawings and specifications, on the subject. It's a topic that he's brought out at every date he's ever been on (I hear he even developed a slide show of the presentation in the years between the Chaos War and the War of Souls). His social life is so typical of an engineer...
Shinare and Sirrion are still a couple in the Age of Mortals. No one can quite figure out why. Perhaps Shinare still doesn't have to worry about spending too much out shopping since Sirrion still can turn just about anything into wealth (it's good to be the god of alchemy). Of course, even with that ability, they still adhere to good marriage principles and fight constantly about money. In fact, marriage seems to bring mortal followers to both gods in turn. Sirrion is a favorite of couples prior to the wedding; with the couples then shifting their reverence to Shinare after the wedding (and every Shinare church seems to have a small office that specifically handles divorces). Post-War of Souls, the relationship between Shinare and Sirrion seems to be on the upswing. There seem to be more candlelight dinners and snuggle times in front of the fireplace (oh, and servants fireproofing all the rooms in the house). The reason remains a mystery to us all...
I almost was going to leave them out. It is hard to do an interesting exposé of the marriage between Chislev and Zivilyn, because the relationship is, and has always been, very secure. The Age of Mortals hasn't changed this at all. It's pretty clear why that is too. Zivilyn's ability to see all possible futures at any given time for any given choice has usually been given a bad rap by all his peers. However, in the case of a relationship, it's a powerful strength. After all, if a husband can look at any given action or choice, see the 99 bad outcomes and the 1 good one, it's pretty much impossible to mess up. Combine that with a wife in control of all nature...
As with Solinari, Lunitari gets to see a lot in the light of her moon. True to tell, she possibly sees more then Solinari because, while people in the Age of Mortals might be more accustomed to the light of the white moon for "conventional" romance, the red moon is still considered exotic and brings out the more... "interesting" activities. Gilean only knows what she's been seeing (and likely does) in the past several months, but she has been walking around lately with quite the twinkle in her eye. As with Solinari, she's been more then willing to part with advice and suggestions when asked (particularly by Red Robed mages). One has to wonder, however, how many of those "romantic suggestions" she offers have more to do with Lunitari's continued entertainment then being honestly helpful...
The Gods of Evil
It probably goes without saying that love is not a major component for the relationships of the evil gods. Consistency and stability aren't typical characteristics, either. However, the relationships of the various gods of evil could probably support at least two or three weekly tabloid publications all on their own.
Sargonnas thought he had a good thing going when Takhisis died. After all, it was his big moment to step up and take her place. Sure, they had an on-again-off-again fling that always got quite passionate when "on" replaced "off". But hey, it HAD been a while. However, as he took stock in the aftermath of the War of Souls, Sargonnas realized he had made a bit of a miscalculation. By bumping off Takhisis, he left the evil gods with only one woman. And incest isn't allowed by Sargonnas' code of honor. If he wasn't the god of rage before, he certainly is now...
The only god whose love life is consistently more doomed the Morgion is Hiddukel. Never mind that Hiddukel can hide the flab and slime when he needs to. Never mind that he's quite the charming guy. And never mind that he's never actually worked as a lawyer. The guy can't do anything without a contract. And I do mean ANY thing. Needless to say, the vast majority of women don't exactly go for the contract language when it comes to... matters of a physical or romantic nature. The level of detail can get a bit much too, such as the one time he was engaged to be married (the pre-nup was so extensive even Gilean complained about the size of the book set).
Zeboim either skipped Deity School the first day they taught sex ed in Health Class (Lesson #1: Don't get romantically involved with mortals!) or, like so many kids out there, decided that "it won't happen to me". Either way, sure enough, she ended up with a kid. Amazingly, the kid turned out all right (despite being dead now), and Zeboim defied both conventional wisdom and any brand of logic by being a devoted and protective mother (likely helped by the father paying child support for the first couple decades... ). However, she's become more then a bit obsessed with this son since returning to Krynn after the War of Souls... almost to the point where one wonders if Zeboim has fewer qualms about incest then her father Sargonnas. Of course, that means she likely skipped more then the first day of sex ed...
Nuitari doesn't quite have the experience of his lunar counterparts of watching mortal romance in action. Moonlit walks by the light of Nuitari generally result in someone tripping over a tree root in the dark. All he gets is the frustration of occasionally overhearing snippets of whispers and other sounds. Not very rewarding. Consequence? Nuitari has come to a conclusion shared by stereotypical nerds the world over: romance and lust alike are not worth his time or attention. His mother would be so proud of him...
Chemosh has proven to be a surprise in the Age of Mortals. Pre-Chaos War, the guy was pretty much doomed as a romantic figure. He tended to identify too closely with his followers and, if those followers had any sex appeal at all, it was usually an accident (heck, even Kitiara Uth Matar, who was renown for being open... minded... drew the line excluding necrophilia!). So, when Chemosh returned to Krynn, one would have figured that things would have gone back to the way things were. However, perhaps in the time between the Chaos War and the War of Souls, it seems that boredom took hold. Chemosh attended a gaming convention, of all things, and spoke to a group of LARPers there. Though the LARPers wouldn't let him join the game that night (he wasn't a card-carrying member and they thought his vampire costume was lame), they did point him in the direction of books by an author named Laurell K. Hamilton. Though it took a while to find the books (Chemosh was looking in the Self-Help section of the bookstore) and read them all, Chemosh returned to Krynn a reformed god. Not only did the god himself finally get... rewarded... for his research, lately, we have been all hearing rumors that "lust" and "the undead" are not mutually exclusive terms anymore... .
Morgion hasn't been able to figure out the secret of Chemosh's recent romantic successes. In the meantime, he has continued to vent his frustrations by inventing and releasing new venereal diseases. Morgion has yet to realize these two measures might be working at cross-purposes. Go figure. Sometimes evil truly can be stupid...
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