You've got new mail
<sigh>
Raistlin's Inbox
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<clickety click click click> You've got new mail <sigh> |
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| CC: | Tanis & Laurana <half-elven@solanthasweb.net>, Riverwind & Goldmoon <chieftains@os.plainsmen.gov>, Dalamar <dark@shoikan.net>, Kitiara <bluelady@dragonarmies.org>, Tas <whatsauseridtanisidontundersta@excite.com> |
And no more Blue Mountain greeting cards! If I hear one more MIDI version of "My Heart Will Go On," I will cast a fireball on you personally! Again!
R.
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<hits send>
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TO: OrdersofSorcery@egroups.com
FROM: admin@wayreth.net
SUBJECT: Annual Yuletide Bake-Off
Greetings, brothers and sisters in magic,
Due to the success of our Summer Fireball Chili Cookoff, we are now planning a Yuletide baking contest. All mages of any of the Orders are invited to enter, providing they have passed the Test. Some basic rules need apply:
1. All baked goods must be edible. No poisonous ingredients are allowed, nor items such as bat guano, sand, or fur.
2. Catgories include cakes, pies, bread, cookies, and "unclassifiables."
3. You must include a copy of the recipe with your entry. Recipes may be written in Common, elvish, or the language of magic.
4. Only one entry per household, please.
5. All entries must be BAKED. A 'detect magic' spell will be cast on all items to insure fairness.
6. Transport your entry to the Tower of High Sorcery in Wayreth, first floor lobby, by noon on December 20, at which time the judges will make their selections.
Winners will receive:
GRAND PRIZE: All-expense-paid trip to Old Library in Tarsis
FIRST PLACE: 500 steel piece gift certificate at Lemuel's Mageware Emporium
SECOND PLACE: 10 lbs of sulphur from Sanction Brimstone Company
THIRD PLACE: One year subscription to "Sorcerous Homes & Gardens"
All contestants will receive a "First Annual Tower of Wayreth Bake-Off" T-shirt.
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<raises voice>
"DALAMAR! Do we still have those cookie sheets, or did they get destroyed when the kolaches caught fire?"
<sound of rattling pans, then, faintly>
"We have none left, Shalafi. Shall I seek out another one?"
"Better get two or three. Get Nestle chips too. And while you're out, pick up some two-liters of Diet Coke. DIET COKE, I said. No more Fresca!"
"Yes, Shalafi." <muttering, sound of door slamming>
<clickety click>
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TO: rmajere@shoikan.net
FROM: revdaughter1@paladine.org
SUBJECT: Re: A proposed trip
Dear Raistlin,
Thank you very much for meeting with me recently. I truly enjoyed speaking with you.
> would be leaving sometime this spring. You do not need to
> concern yourself with airfare or accomodations. I believe that
> you will find this journey quite enlightening.
I appreciate your kind offer. I must consider this, and of course, I must speak with Elistan about taking vacation time from work.
I hope you are well. Please keep in touch.
Yours in Paladine's light,
Revered Daughter Crysania
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"Mwahahahahahahahahaaaaa!" <hits save>
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TO: rmajere@shoikan.net
FROM: custservice@ergothCDwarehouse.com
SUBJECT: Your order of November 17, 353
Dear Raistlin Majere,
The following items were out of stock and will be backordered.
They should arrive within 6-8 weeks.
| QTY | ITEM NO. | DESCR | PRICE | ||||||||
| 1 | 433-978 | Rage Against the Machine | 14 steel pieces
| 1 | 567-934 | Hellraiser: Soundtrack | 14 steel pieces
| 1 | 236-835 | Britney Spears (GIFT SELECTION) | 14 steel pieces
| |
Dear Mr. Majere,
It has come to my attention that you have been attacking me widely on Usenet, flaming me in every newsgroup from alt.dragons.evil to alt.fan.takhisis to rec.arts.military.krynn-domination, despite the fact that I have in the past been so good as to give you the Key, and allowed you to live, at the behest of Fistandantilus, when otherwise you would have perished.
Usually, I am forgiving of my attackers. I am, after all, a goddess, and so I do not pay heed to the puny and pathetic whinings of mortals who are unhappy with the fact that I have held my position from the dawn of time, and will hold it until the end.
However, the personal nature of this Usenet-wide flaming campaign has caused me to report your actions to your ISP, which has assured me that a warning will be sent to you within 24 hours, and any failure to comply with your TOS will result in your account being disabled.
I am further aware that you seek to accost me in RL, but I doubt that will ever happen, you scrawny, hacking, Micro$oft-addled luser. You haven't the nerve to meet anyone face-to-face, and no doubt seek to cover your own inadequacies by hiding behind your Internet persona.
Takhisis, Queen of Darkness
http://www.abyss.com/queen/welcometoyourdoom.html
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<eyes narrow, hits reply>
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My Queen,
Your bluffing reveals only your fear. I do not have an ISP, as my servants within the Tower are quite skilled in maintaining our servers on their own. If you knew the least bit about the Internet, too, you would know that hiding behind a Hotmail address is futile against the IP-tracking skills of a spectral undead guardian. As for being Microsoft-addled, I bet you have Mr. Gates chained to a wall right now, unable to resist his nerdish charms!
Your game is up, "Tacky!" Nonetheless, I will cease flaming, since it appears to upset you, and I would not want you to fall before my might in any more distress than you must.
Lovingly,
Raistlin Majere, your soon-to-be-replacement
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<hits send>
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TO: rmajere@shoikan.net
FROM:sexy_mage_babes@havenhohouse.com
SUBJECT: Live Free XXX Webcast
Cursed with magically enhanced vision? Prone to seeing decaying flesh where you should see hot, sexy women? We have something that'll really starch your robe!
http://www.havenhohouse.com/magic_babes/nolich.html
No Magical Glasses of Ogling Writhing Naked Sluts necessary!
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<snort>
"I think not."
<pauses, looks around, hits save>
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