Tasslehoff Burrfoot Casting Call!

By Cowig Logsplitter
with art by Raistlame

As any hardcore Dragonlance fan would know, Dragonlance has recently been optioned for a movie by some "major studio" that has yet to be named. This can either be a good or bad thing, as fantasy movies tend to go in one of two directions. One direction is that of fame, glory, and inevitable Oscar contention, seen in the recent success of "The Lord of the Rings." The other direction is that of the rarely discussed "Dungeons and Dragons" movie (henceforth referred to as "that movie"), the existence of which many of my friends deny to this day. Naturally, being Dragonlance fans, we're hoping it goes the way of fame and glory. This can be accomplished through excellent casting, which is incidentally the point of today's article.

Casting is a very important aspect of a movie. It can make or break the worthiness of any movie. Take, for instance, the casting of any Jerry Bruckheimer flick. While these movies rarely have substance, they are overloaded with awesome people. Also, "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" just would not have been the same without Keanu Reeves and...that other guy. Another example of how casting affects a movie is seen in the presence of a Wayans brother in "that movie." It made the movie ten times worse than it actually was. It's like the producers sat down and asked each other, "How can we make this movie worse?." Thus, with this in mind, we should begin to wonder which actors would be the most effective in a Dragonlance movie. And since I'm a big fan of kender, I decided to concentrate on Tasslehoff Burrfoot.

Below is a list of eight actors (or actresses) who I feel just might fit the bell. For each, I have posted their merits and their drawbacks. Hopefully, we can come together as a group of fans and convince the people at this mysterious "big studio" to make the right choice.

Choice #1: Warick Davis Claim to Fame: Willow, the Leprechaun, Wicket the Ewok Benefits: The epitome of heroism in the midget community. Drawbacks: Possibly too short. Plus, he has to be something like 70 years old by now. While Tasslehoff has (impressively) lived past the average kender age expectancy, I would imagine the movies would take place during his youth. Also, he would look absolutely ridiculous in a topknot.

Choice #2: Gary Coleman Claim to Fame: Diff'rent Strokes Benefits: The novelty of hearing Tasslehoff say, "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Tanis?" Also, there is the possibility that Gary Coleman Disease might be renamed "Tasslehoff Burrfoot Disease," finally giving Dragonlance the publicity it deserves! Drawbacks: Like Warick Davis, he is also way too short. Also, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson might not approve of a black actor playing an individual with kleptomaniac tendencies.

Choice #3: Danny DeVito Claim to Fame: Taxi, Renaissance Man, Twins Benefits: He's about the right height. That's about it. In fact, the whole "odor issue" might be a problem. Drawbacks: He just doesn't shout "Tasslehoff." He would probably make a much better Flint Fireforge. I think he could handle playing an ale loving dwarf with a heart condition!

Choice #4: Winona Ryder Claim to Fame: Little Women, Girl Interrupted Benefits: Being a female, she has the perfect shrill voice to emulate kender. She can be made up to look more like a male. She also has the concept of "borrowing" figured out, given her recent trial. Drawbacks: Winona's portrayal of Tasslehoff may be so annoying, he could ultimately be viewed in worse light than Jar Jar Binks. This must be avoided at all costs!

Choice #5: Larry the Cucumber Claim to Fame: Veggietales Benefits: Contains the natural spirit found within the kender. He would also look awesome in a topknot. Drawbacks: Larry comes from a very religious minded series, and we know what religious fanatics think of anything related to D&D. Also, the fact that he can move things even though he doesn't have hands is kind of weird. I think people are looking for witchcraft in the wrong places! Oh... and he's a vegetable.

Choice #6: Macauly Caulkin Claim to Fame: Home Alone, My Girl, The Good Son Benefits: The perfect answer to Elijah Wood playing Frodo Baggins. Macauly can then join the long (well, not that long) line of former child stars to revive their career through a fantasy movie. Drawbacks: Internet message boards would be filled with all sorts of disapproving compliments coming in the form of vulgarity. Come on, people. Why do you have to hate every single actor on the planet! You're all like one of those fathers who thinks no one is good enough for his daughter. That may be true, but what happens when the daughter never finds some one because she can't find one you like? Think about that for a while! Also, Caulkin has the wrong color hair.

Choice #7: Samuel L. Jackson Claim to Fame: Pulp Fiction, The Negotiator, gets eaten by a shark in Deep Blue Sea Benefits: Who could be better than the number one badass in Hollywood? He's one bad mother- (Shut yo mouth!). Hey, I'm just talking 'bout Tas! (We can dig it!) And his hoopak would be the one that says "Bad Ass Mother F(naughty word omitted)er" on it! Drawbacks: Tasslehoff is unfortunately not a badass. Maybe he would be better off playing Caramon Majere ("Did you see the sign over the front of my house that said dead goblin storage?" "Tika, you know I ain't seen no sign-" "DID YOU SEE THE SIGN OVER THE FRONT OF MY HOUSE THAT SAID DEAD GOBLIN STORAGE?!").

Choice #8: Michael J. Fox Claim to Fame: Back to the Future, Spin City Benefits: Perfect height. Proper color hair. Shows an easy going nature very much like Tasslehoff. He may be older, but he has the facial wrinkles characteristic of kender that makes it difficult to determine their age. In short, he's nearly perfect. Drawbacks: No one ever agrees with me.

So there it is, folks! All the choices you could possibly desire. Hopefully, when the casting call comes, someone worthy of the role of Tasslehoff will step up!

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