Eulogy for the Tower Guardian
Well, Lady Raist gave a proper opening to this eulogy for the Tower Guardian with the editorial. Now a few of the other Raistlins, starting with myself, will impart a few words of our own about the Tower Guardian and how he has impacted our lives.
True, besides Lady Raist and myself, the only other Raistlins around right now are the newbies. But that's ok, their contributions are welcome too. Especially because the Tower Guardian wouldn't have wanted it this way.
So...
I think I speak for us all when I say that, over the years, the Tower Guardian had become... someone we could all rely on to get the laundry done on time.
Sure, he was a cold-hearted, selfish, whiney little bastard. Ok, I exaggerate - he had no heart to speak of (being undead and all), but he was a bastard all the same.
And there were those beady red eyes, always peering out from the dark. You'd think he was some sort of undead or something.
(silence)
Hey, maybe I better rethink this eulogy stuff, huh guys?
I figure the best way to remember the Tower Guardian is with a little story, just to show what he was like.
Some time after I arrived at the Tower of Bad Sorcery, the TG came up to me with a request: he wanted vacation time!
I was dumbfounded to say the least. A lich, with no family or friends to speak of, who's previous masters were either dead or missing, and he wanted a vacation?
I was so stunned I actually double checked his employee contract. I was the only Raistlin around, so I figured I might as well entertain myself by reading the darn thing for once.
Sure enough, written in a style only a lich's mother could love, was a paragraph on the Tower Guardian's "vacation time". Well, I gave him credit for trying. Then I cast a spell to teleport his undead ass out of my sight; he was back about ten days later, complaining the whole time about what a miserable time he'd had.
We couldn't get rid of him after that incident.
But that was one of the good times. One of the few good times. Hmm. Actually, it may have been my only good time when the Tower Guardian was around.
I did say he was a whiney little bastard, didn't I?
By Paladine's balls did he complain a lot though:
"Can you guys replace my mop and bucket?"
"Can I write this document with something other than kender blood?"
"When are you going to expand my closet like you promised?"
"When do I get to see those pics of Raistlicious and Lady Raist you took since I am the one that created the peep holes to begin with?"
But, now that we've cleaned up the mess his finally dead body left behind, I find that I might actually miss him.
Oh, it will probably take a few months before that happens.
Or I'll walk into the bathroom one day and realize that it *really* needs a good cleaning, and that I wish the Tower Guardian were around to do it, because I'm sure as the 5th Level of Hell not going to do it.
Ok. I've mumbled on long enough.
* Raistlehoff steps down *
* SacRaistic takes the podium *
I know you are all expecting this eulogy to be like the others. SacRaistic will herald the dubious memory of the Tower Guardian by lauding his cleaning skills and finish up by offering a lukewarm impression that the Tower Guardian will be missed.
I love kindling my fireplace with the expectations of readers like you. The supply is endless.
The truth is, we will all miss the contributions of the Tower Guardian. Not just his plumbing skills, although those will definitely be missed now (not even magic can fix the inevitable consequences of subcontracted food service). His best beloved contribution lay not in the field of housekeeping, but rather in test-audiencing our work before release (he had to preview the material in order to write the update).
Test-audiencing was the contribution that none of you readers ever saw or appreciated. But it was of immense value. As any comedy or political speech writer will testify, there is a wide difference between crap... and CRAP. Small-letters crap is fixable or, if not salvageable, can be discarded without significant legal trouble. It might cause some temporary discomfort when identified (throat-clearing groans anyway), but nothing serious or permanent. But CRAP... well... CRAP is deadly. Lethal. Hazardous waste. Anyone exposed to it will die in great pain.
Makes it rather useful to have a trial audience around that is already dead, does it not?
I will always remember the typical Tower Guardian response to CRAP. You could always tell. If material was good, or if it was just crap, the Tower Guardian would always offer some sort of obsequious response. Usually, the response was an obvious false laugh or giggle.
I do not EVER want to know which of my colleagues taught the Tower Guardian to giggle like that…
That did not always tell us the difference between good and crap material, of course, but one should only expect so much from an intern (expect too much, and they end up with your job).
However, when exposed to CRAP, the Tower Guardian would go totally motionless, as only the undead can. I never discovered why. Maybe it was just a temporary loss of responsiveness or a disrupted connection (CRAP is destructive stuff, perhaps even to one long dead). Maybe it was indecision, as the Tower Guardian tried to work out if we were serious or joking about that material actually being published and, therefore, what the appropriate response should be. We may never know.
The Tower Guardian is gone. The shield that defended our Tower from a CRAP infection must now be replaced...somehow. And we will never see his like again.
Mostly due to current employee protection laws. Who would have figured a government would waste time determining that being dead was a "lifestyle"...
* SacRaistic steps down *
* Rambling Rose stands up *
So, My turn to say goodbye to the Tower Guardian huh?
At first the Raistlins thought that I would not be feeling up to adding a bit of something into this- you see, I was the one who found TG in his cupboard, all sticky and smelling like a mix of road kill, gym socks (oh, the cliché) and fried dog doo. I also got most of his jobs! Since he died the Raistlins promoted us new recruits to his jobs- like toilet cleaning duties, and making sure that the... things... living in R4i5t1in's bedroom don't escape. That's when I'm not in quarantine (they're make me sleep in the cupboard under the stairs until its sure that I don't have raistlinitis- Personally, I think they're just seeing how long I can survive in comparison to TG.)
Oops, I'm rambling again- back to the point:
I didn't know TG personally- the poor love came and went before my time, but I have heard many tales of his adventures.
Ok, so maybe adventures is the wrong word...
Misadventures doesn't quite describe them either...
Lets settle with "A series of Unfortunate Events, the undeath of The Tower Guardian"
Violating copyright?! Twice?! This is a Eulogy, man, Have a heart!
There was his loveable character... Who can't adore a manic depressive lich with serious issues. And he had a reason to have issues, dammit! I can sympathize with The Tower Guardian, Oh yes...
Then there were his moments of Glory....
Ok, so he didn't have any moments of Glory for the records, But he was very entertaining at times!
What about Disco Fever? Now we can all look upon those newsletters and forum posts and smile... Unless you are one of those really spastic people who are part of the SPCL (society of the prevention of cruelty to liches) In which case you should probably leave right now and never return.
Then of course, You have his forum posts... if you cut through the whining you find... Well, actually, you find very little at all... He whined a lot though... Which could be considered charming! Yes... Charming!
Truth is:
I didn't know the Tower Guardian.
Or where he went.
Or why he went.
Or if he'll be coming back.
In Fact, I don't know anything at all!
... About the Tower Guardian that is...
But I am awfully sorry that I won't ever meet him now...
Farewell TG.
* Rambling Rose sits down crying *
* Raist-Chan rises *
Alas, the poor Tower Guardian. I hardly knew ye...
*looks embarrassed, one hand behind her head*
Honestly, I didn't...
Well, it's not like the others didn't tell me about him...
*scuffs her feet on the floor*
Actually... they didn't tell me at all...
I do remember one time where there was this foul smell in my room, and I thought one of the other Raistlins concocted something nasty in one of the laboratories above me. I went up to ... ahem... "straighten things out", but when I opened the door there was no one inside. Finding this odd, I checked to see if anything spilled or was left open. Everything was fine (except for the few things I did spill or dropped... gomen nasai... ) *sorry... .
I went back to my room, and to my surprise it was spotless - just the way I don't like it! Being a little annoyed, it took me a moment to realize I wasn't alone either. I could hear sighs and other odd sounds coming from my closet.
Nice, I thought, time to play games with the newbie, is it? Think you're going to get away with arranging all my stuffed bunnies by color and size, and then play with my robes in a hentai *perverted fashion, will ya? Quickly whipping out my henshin *transformation wand and changing into Sailor Raistlin (you're not supposed to know about that... keep it a secret, ok?), I readied my staff to give the prankster a sound beating. I stormed over to the closet and threw the door open.
Inside, two red disembodied eyes peered back at me, first in depression, then in shock as I clubbed it one right in the... .
What? *blinks* Oh, maybe I shouldn't have made mention of that... .
*hides the staff behind her back and whistles innocently*
Where was I? Oh, yeah... *clears her throat*
I'm sorry to hear of the Tower Guardian's demise (who I've never seen before! Honest Kender!) I guess we Raistlins are left to fend for ourselves now.
*walks away, shaking her head and muttering about perverted ghosts hiding in her closet*
Fare thee well, our precious lich
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