The alt.fan.dragonlance FAQ
Author's note: Please note that this FAQ is a parody aimed at making fun at newbies and Dinos alike and should not be taken seriously ;oP
**Disclaimer. Since English is not my first language, this FAQ has the equivalent grammatical quality as Tales from Uncle Trapsprigner's "oh so wonderful" depth and content.
****************************** 1. Questions About the FAQ ******************************
1.1 What is the alt.fan.dragonlance FAQ?
A newsgroup FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) usually lists common mistakes made by newbies that appear in the newsgroup and the answers there are general consensus for replying to those netiquettically-challenged. If dinos disagree strongly and/or there is reasonable doubt about an answer, both answers are usually permitted.
1.2 How often is the FAQ updated?
Monthly. An updated version is posted to alt.fan.dragonlance on the 1st of every month by self appointed dinos who gets bored of posting it after a few moths or so, then justs stops posting until another dino gets pissed at the flood of newbie rampant stupidity and starts the FAQ posting cycle yet again. If you're a newbie and feel anything should be changed in the FAQ, altering, removing or adding a question, please e-mail one of the maintainers and we'll gladly point and laugh at you.
1.3 Is the FAQ available on the Internet?
(Question frequently asked by a newbie who wants to make a first good impression.)
If you are reading this FAQ then this means that our ancient Dino Irony-Meter just exploded. Please send us your credit card number so that we can use it in purchasing another antique one.
1.4 Why was the original AFDL FAQ split into two different FAQs?
(Question frequently asked by newbies who want to impress Dinos with their superior wits)
There is no general Dino Consensus to a single answer on this particular question. Here are the most agreed upon Dino answers:
1) Because we like to hear the sound of your voice. 2) The same reason why Ketchup is better than Katsup. 3) Because there's still AOL users and a recent study shows that the two digit IQ community have an attention span [...] 4) Shut the f*ck up! (Australian Dino answer)
1.5 Who is the AFDL FAQ maintainer?
Who Cares? (Please send comments, flames and death threats to Anti-terrorist-squad@FBI.org)
***************** 2. Joining the Newsgroup ******************
2.1 What is a newsgroup?
(Question frequently asked by newbies who were able to acheive "an Homer" To pull a Homer = expression. To acheive despite idiocy.
A newsgroup is a sort of massive bulletin board system invented by the 16th century monks that is still used by millions of people all over the world today. A news server powered by thousands of Hamster wheels carries all sorts of messages to your PC by a complex network of tubes, tunnels, and dimension portals that are received by computer nerds who copies each message received with their typing machines so that your PC can read and understand them.
2.2 What is alt.fan.dragonlance?
(Question frequently asked by newbies who understand only one of the three words used in the "alt.fan.dragonlance" term)
"Alt" means: There are no patron Saints, Protector of puny newbies in this heathen land.
"Fan" means : Fanatic Aussi Nearby
"Dragonlance" means : Dragonlance. Please note that there is plenty of environmentalists protesting against Newbie ashes pollution due to the cluelessness of some newbie about this particular term. Newbies are advised to learn this one for their safety and Mother Earth's well-being.
2.3 Where can I find a news server?
At the post office. There's a limited 2 for 1 offer until next month so please hurry!
2.4 What software do I need?
Again, if you are reading this you owe us an Irony-Meter.
**************** 3. Using the Newsgroup ****************
3.1 What is a lurker, a newbie, a dino, and a troll?
A lurker is someone is who reads alt.fan.dragonlance, but rarely posts (if at all). Also known as a coward.
A newbie is the lowest form of larva to exist on the Internet. All dinos were once larva who survived "The Cleansing" to become what they are now. Some of them have lost parts of their body or became permanently scarred in this long process and have psychological side effects even to this day. Some of those are:
1) Bitterness. 2) Off-Topic Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior. 3) Great Sense of Pity towards Larva Newbies and try to help them survive the long hardships of Newbie life. 4) Occasional Trollish imagination that has the possibility of starting Krynnish world wars. 5) General Psychopath behavior. 6) Author cannibalistic taste.
A Dino is godhood incarnate. One must bow and worship any particular Dino and stick by them no matter what. Their word is the ultimate Truth. It is even known that dead gods came back to life from fervent Newbie worshipping and Newbie Sacrifices by ally gods in their names and legendary posts.
Trolls are newbies gone sour, self-righteous newbies who were injured by dinos for their general stupidity and are out for revenge at any possible occasion presented. No matter how stupid they look, they still think they're cool, funny or nasty despite the fact the the general consensus thinks they're morrons. Trolls are very destructive forces and have a tendency to affect all fellow newbies with puny berserker rage, they become magnet to the larva newbies' fart-with-a-lighter flame attacks directed towards them and those attacks sometimes cause Dinos to awake from their peaceful slumber and bring some of them to a murderous rampage. An evil cycle starts here since some larva-newbies survives Dino attacks with deep emotional wounds and those injured larva-newbies begin to transform into Trolls... and the cycle begins again
3.2 Are newbies welcome?
Newbies are like mosquitoes; we can't kill them all and even if we did, Dinos would starve to death, so we might as well welcome them. Besides, every dino were once newbies so deep down inside their cold hearts they love them.. Think of it as Raistlin's 'love' towards his twin brother.
[Serious note here: Yes, you are welcome in afdl. Just don't mind the Dinos at first :)]
3.3 What is a newbie to do when he/she enters the newsgroup?
There are 2 possibilities of their behavior here:
1) They cower under the label "Lurker" and slowly learns the dangers of afdl life until they become big and strong enough to venture out in the open. Newbies who do that are likely to survive longer than Newbies who were less gifted with a sense of caution, politeness and common courtesy.
2) They flood the newsgroup with the same stupid questions that any descent human being would have found out by themselves IF they took their time to SEARCH it on the web...
Note of advice for Larva-Newbies :
SEARCH ENGINES EXISTS!!! Put yourselves into the afdl's general population's shoes and THINK about you question.. ask yourselves "Does my question seems UNIQUE enough to be posted here or were there a lot of genius people intelligent enough to have thought to ask my question before..?". It is okay to admit that some people have thought of the same question that you have and already posted it before you often enough that this particular question have become an annoying presence in this newsgroup. Don't be so vain as to think that your question was never thought up before... Modesty is a virtue in a NG.
3.4 Are there any rules to follow in the newsgroup?
Depends if you're suicidal or not. In life, there are no rules. In death, you learn that life lied to you.
******************** 4. Questions About the Newsgroup ********************
4.1 What is a Dragonlance topic?
A dragonlance topic ranges from Dragonlance underwears to "Raistlin is the greatest mage ever! I wanna be and act like him even though magic doesn't exist in reality and I'll just end up being an antisocial freak with dillusions of grandeur"
4.2 Can I post my fanfic to the newsgroup?
If it contains nudity, yes. Ockham's razor's somewhat dictates that the lazyest (and hence 'correct') way would be to post it in binaries directly on afdl rather than posting it on a web page and giving the link to it OR posting it to a binaries NG and giving us the location afterwards.
4.3 Can I post binaries to the newsgroup?
Absolutely! Dinos are hungry lately. "Binaries are not allowed on a non-binaries NG!" Dinos will tell you. Ignore them... You know better than them. You're new here, but you're intelligent and they're just st00pid and everyone knows that experience in any fields or domains is worthless!
4.4 Which Dinos should you be aware/scared of?
Rohan Tolstrup, dreadlord allmighty: when dealing with this dino, be aware to avoid at all cost all discussions/comments concerning canon, Jean Rabe present location (Author-with-death -wish Relocation Program specifically said not to reveal any information about her:), Planescape, SpellJammer, Heroes of the Lance exploitation novels (translated term for Larva-Newbies: "Cool another novel about Flint's nephew's cousin of her mother in law where he'll save the world from a conquering army!"), and a hundred other topics. The term 'Newbie-Bane' is currently under review by the gnomish 'name-giving-to-dinos-who-are-famous-for-their-presence-in-the-afdl-newsgroup'.
Forever Darkness, aka Cassii, aka Cassandra, aka Foof Titlename Giver, Dark torturess of the wet noodle: Nicest of known Dinos. Will have great unprecedented compassion towards innocent larva-newbies and help them out as best they can. Avoid the following topic: Gem-dragons
Morten Brattback, aka afdl's wisest: Morten if one of the most venerated Dinos out there. His wisdom of Dragonlance lore is stuff of legends. His thoughts and words are generally held as truths. One of the few dinos who prefers engaging fellow dinos in combat rather than BBQing larva-newbies for hors-d'oeuvres.
Stig, the tempter: his ability to post world-flame-wars is stuff of legends. Newbies should protect themselves with numerous wards of 'satire-detection' before even considering some of his posts.
Weldon Chen, aka Granak, Draconian beast-lord: Resident draconian expert. Has been known to be nice 80% of the time. Newbies should avoid contradicting him on any topics related to draconians or fear larva-newbie doom. *Always* agrees with what authors posts here no matter what. Has a 'Dragonlance is what YOU think it should be, don't bother with what other people believes what it is" philosophy. All in all a nice Dino.
Larris, aka the lost one: Dino who disapeared about a year ago to wait for all three books of WoS to come out and for real life issues. Will come back soon
Steve Miller, aka Fan-Bane: One of the most high ranked dino out there. Now present owner of the Sentient beard. Avoid posting the following words of fear his wrath: 1) Cheeze, Cheezy. 2) Sucks. 3) 5th age sucks. 4) others to be added in future updates.
Craig J. Ries: Rumored to be the creater of the DL-mailing list, an alternate universe, before being overthrown by bureaucrat gods. Can be nasty to newbies and sometimes go on a larva-newbie rampage for a few days before taking a coffee and settling down for a week or two.
John Grubber, Patron of the Bakalis: Canadian Dino who's been known to torture and tear off the wing of second-stage larva-newbies. Avoid confrontation about early Krynn creation legends. Has also had legendary encounters with other dinos.
Altarielle: Only elven dino to be part of the Evil Kender Conspiracy. Is known to create excellent posts about Dragonlance clothing lines and Co-creator of the "Raistlin if a frenchman" theory. Not easilly angered. One of the nice dinos.
Sir Matt Potter: one of the oldest Dino still alive and well in afdl. Not a lot is known about this forgotten Dino-god. More will follow as research advances.
Jellybean Pouchsnipper: Not actually a Dino yet, but self-proclaimed Dino nonetheless. Leader of the Evil Kender Conspiracy. Compulsive OT poster, will try and do anything to get people's attention and when he'll have them will quickly get bored by it and wander off to create another silly-evil plan to take over the world! Usually harmless Dino-in-the-making for his constant foot in the mouth prevents him from using his water-gun breath-weapon.
****Other Dinos will be added as time goes by.
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