Day In Day Out
4:38 A.M. - Snores waken me. I open my eyes. It is, of course, Caramon. He is snorting and slobbering like a gigantic, heaving beast. I poke him with the Staff of Magius, wincing at the inglorious use of my precious magical staff, but whatever works, as the common folk say. He doesn't stop snoring, so I jab him over and over until he swats at me and rolls over. Finally he shuts up, and I can rest. Until Tasslehoff starts yelping in his sleep --
5:37 A.M. - It is nearly dawn. From behind a tree, Sturm saunters out, having done what a man has to do. Apparently he has forgotten to fasten his trousers securely. I pull my blanket over my head and try not to vomit. But I do not say anything. Ha ha.
Sunrise - Everyone groans about the quality of the oatmeal Flint and Tika have prepared. I must say that I don't care either way; all that I have eaten these past couple of days tastes like infant's mush to me, thanks to Riverwind and his insistence on using traditional Plains seasoning in our dinner two nights ago. We could have probably slain the Queen of Darkness herself with our breath alone. I can't even taste the tea anymore, my mouth is so scorched, so at least some good came of it.
7:12 A.M. - There goes Laurana again, wailing about someone having taken her hairbrush. I remember hearing something about beauty being in the eye of the beholder, but that is only true in her case if she remains silent. Her voice could peel paint from a wall.
7:17 A.M. - After he has blustered around the campsite all morning, it is apparent to all that Sturm has definitely forgotten to adjust his clothing. I am glad I had no appetite, because now it would be gone, although I take much delight in the discomfiture of the others as they whisper among themselves, discussing who will be the one to tell him that his horse is not in the barn, so to speak. Ha ha.
8:02 A.M. - We have finally set off on our quest again. I am thrilled beyond belief. Really. If I have to listen to that atrocious kender trailsong ONE MORE TIME, I am surely going to turn them all into sheep and auction them off at the next farm town -- oh no. Now Flint is at it. "Metal and stone, stone and metal, metal and stone." ARGH!
8:04 A.M. - Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm. Raistlin had a little lamb, and sold it along with all the others to a slaughterhouse --
8:12 A.M. - Gilthanas has begun some idiotic outcry about my brother having stepped on the back of his foot too hard. Now they're arguing. Gilthanas is telling Caramon to go suck -- hmmm, this looks interesting. I have never seen an elf's face turn that shade of purple before.
8:24 A.M. - I do not see why everyone is so upset. All I said was that Gilthanas seemed to be the clumsier of the two, since it is easier for a foppish person such as himself to mince gaily out of the way of a lumbering ox than it is for said ox to avoid stomping on a fairy -- I meant elf. Yes, I know what they are saying about me, but please. I have spent my entire life being stepped on, knocked over, and bumped into by my twin and one gets used to it. I wish Caramon would stop looking at me that way. What, is he upset that I came to his defense for a change? I will move to the back of the line and he can go suck --
9:47 A.M. Ast bilak tsagolan -- no, no, no! The "t" is silent on that one, and -- Now what?
10:01 A.M. - Oh wonderful. Now they're all looking at me to do something about it!
10:15 A.M. - The mysterious crate lying in the middle of the road did not contain gnome powder, an evil wizard's paraphernalia (sigh), or a tightly packed red dragon. It is apparently filled with cheese danishes. No, they are not magically cursed. Yes, I am certain. Yes, Caramon, we can eat them.
10:16 A.M. - Look at those fools. It's as if they never saw food before in their entire lives.
10:20 A.M. - A bit stale, but actually it isn't bad.
10:59 A.M. - I have made a side trip into the forest to retrieve some goldenseal I spotted growing there, and now I realize that no one has seen me leave. They are out of sight. Even my lunkheaded brother has forgotten me, no doubt absorbed in his attempts to look down the front of Tika's strained-to-bursting chainmail vest. Why doesn't he just announce to all and sundry, "My name is Caramon and I am a voyeur who has been busted nine times watching the women take baths?"
11:06 A.M. - Ouch. My feet hurt. Where are they? Now I am all alone, friendless and adrift, my twin far away. Wait --
11:07 A.M. - AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!
11:14 A.M. - According to this map, there is a town not far from here. I wonder what kind of mageware shop they might have? Perhaps in this direction --
11:30 A.M. - There is no road here.
11:48 A.M. - Nor here, either.
12:06 A.M. - Well, I am exhausted now. I suppose I had better sit here and get my bearings. Where is the rest of that danish? I hope I didn't put it with the guano.
12:12 A.M. - Ah, I see now. I should have taken that left turn at -- what was that? Oh no! They're come back looking for me! Damn damn damn damn damn! Sigh.
12:19 A.M. - I suppose I should be grateful that Tasslehoff fell into that abandoned cesspool, but between the ire of the others over my disappearance, my brother's smothering, apologetic concern, and the redolent odor of sewagey kender, I find it hard to be thankful. So close. I was so close...
12:32 P.M. - Now we are stopping, and it has been discovered that, of course, my twin has eaten all the remaining danishes and so there goes lunch. It figures. But wait...no, he swears he didn't do it. Who could it have been?
12:34 P.M. - It wasn't me! I still have the rest of MY danish, you idiots! Here it is -- Give that back, Caramon!
12:40 P.M. - So the culprit is Goldmoon. Strange, she doesn't seem like the gorging type to me. Hmmm.
12:42 P.M. - coughchokegaspcoughcoughcough. Caramon! My tea! And someone had better make Tas take a bath or we will all pass out! Sturm has already turned green. Ha ha.
12:47 P.M. - While Tas washes himself and the others search their packs for any remaining pastries, I suppose I had better do something about this, unless I want to listen to them complaining all afternoon long. They still think I ate the rest of the danishes, even though Goldmoon confessed! Fools!
12:50 P.M. - I thought I saw that apple tree somewhere around here. I should do as the evil sorceress in that old children's tale and poison the green halves...perhaps I am not the fairest, but I am certainly the smartest. And the better dressed.
12:54 P.M. - ACK! Who goes there? Oh. No, I am fine, just startled. An elf, you say? I had guessed. What is my name…? coughcough No,I will be all right...
1:11 P.M. - I see. Driven from your homeland. That is a pity, truly it is. And how old did you say you were? That would be about...let me see, eighteen in human years. You are quite, er, friendly as well. I am the first human you have ever seen? No, I travel alone.
1:18 P.M. - No, really, please...I'm not...GOOD GODS ALMIGHTY!
1:19 P.M. - Well, if you insist...
1:20 P.M. - That noise? Er, I don't know! Perhaps it is a dragon! Let us run for it -- um, here is your tunic. Wait! It's probably just a runaway ox, just a big -- Wait! -- lumbering ox, yelling my name...damn...
1:34 P.M. - I am not speaking to my brother ever again.
2:07 P.M. - Now what?
2:09 P.M. - Why don't you ask Goldmoon to heal your bunions, Tanis? Or does the thought of a woman removing your boots make you uncomfortable?
2:10 P.M. - What did I say? Why am I always the one at fault?
3:22 P.M. - Ast bilak...sigh. Why why WHY did Caramon have to go looking for me at that particular time? WHY? Sigh.
3:45 P.M. - After a round of whining, we have decided to make camp, even though it is the middle of the afternoon. I do not care either way. It's not as though this hasn't been one of the most irritating days of my life: no sleep, elflords yelling in my face, stinking kender constantly upwind of me, blamed for making Tanis cry, almost got away and didn't, interrupted before a half-naked elfmaid could have her way with me, my twin ate my danish, the pregnant cleric ate all the rest, and my staff -- where is my staff?
3:46 P.M. - SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE RIGHT NOW!
3:48 P.M. - AST BILAK TSON-TAN -- What is that smell? coughcough Did you hear that?
4:04 P.M. - I have decided to forgive them for using the Staff of Magius, a priceless magical treasure, as a makeshift pole for the clothesline, in exchange for getting first pick of the baker's wagon we have decided to waylay, since we have all been driven to starving desperation by the earlier gluttony of the cleric of "Mishakal the Breeder," and apparently no one has been able to hit a rabbit, deer, pheasant, or even the broad side of a barn all day. Now we will no only be known as homeless vagabonds, but thieves as well. Here comes the wagon.
4:38 P.M. - Well, our shame is complete. I devoutly hope that when I am a great and powerful archmage, the story of this embarrassing deed will never come to light. The baker and his assistant have run off in terror and the wagon lies overturned in the road. It is the same one that dropped the crate of danishes. Let us see what is inside...
4:42 P.M. - Oh dear gods, it's a Black Forest cake! Back! Back, all of you! Mine!
4:43 P.M. - Carrmmmnnn, ngnu can' hav inny ov my caag! Gt awvvvyy!
4:56 P.M. - Gods, this is good.
5:15 P.M. - I cannot move. I am so ill that I can't lift my head. And I have coconut in my teeth. But, damn, that was much better than oatmeal or overly spicy Plainsman-made stew.
5:41 P.M. - I have never seen the contents of an entire bakery disappear so quickly. Who would have thought that a kender could eat a dozen jelly doughnuts, or that two elves could put away five shortcakes faster than a clan of gully dwarves? We look like a den of opium smokers now, lying here and there in the clearing, among the scattered pecan cookies and pie crusts, while the fire crackles merrily...
Sunset - coughcough What the -- Wake up! Wake up, you fools! coughcoughhackcoughcoughhackcoughgasp
6:57 P.M. - That was too close for comfort. I am glad that I didn't eat the cinammon roll Tanis offered me, or I would have been too nauseous to cast the "Drenching Rainfall" spell and put out the fire. And what thanks do I get? None! Just snide comments about ruining everyone's clothes, Laurana whining about her hair again, and blame for the destruction of an entire box of angel's food cake that got missed in the feeding frenzy! Give me strength!
7:49 P.M. - Now that we have moved to another campsite and found some more dry wood (and this time somebody -- NOT me -- is going to stay up all night watching the damned fire!) everyone seems to have calmed down. I am so tired, I think I will lie down. I need to sleep, if Tas would quit yammering -- Is that music?
7:51 P.M. - By all the gods. Why me? Why have they picked this night to sing? How can they have the energy to do so, after eating more baked goods than any of us have seen in a year? Shut up! Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup --
8:14 P.M. - I cannot stand it anymore. I am moving my bedroll far from these idiots. I don't care how cold it is away from the fire. I will steal Caramon's blanket -- he deserves it, after he tried to take away my cake! It is not as if he didn't singlehandedly consume five blueberry pies and every biscuit in the wagon! Let me see, where would be a good, quiet place to lie down?
8:37 P.M. - This is much better. At least I can't hear their off-key voices anymore. And it isn't as cold as I thought it was. Yawn. I wonder where that strange elfmaid has gone? Sigh. Yawwwnn.
8:45 P.M. - Zzzzz...yes, my dear, we do wear very little under our robes...zzzz...
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