Ru Paul: The DRAGonlance Chronicles
Dragons of Summer Flaming
Tanis reached the top of the hill, staring down at Solace. It had been five long years, heartbreaking years in which the half-elf had had time to come to terms with himself. Now he was back home.
He heard grumbling. Flint Fireforge sat on a stone beside the road, carving at a piece of wood. The old dwarf was mumbling and shaking his head. Tanis swallowed hard, his eyes misting over with fondness for his old friend, and started forward.
Flint looked up. "Tanis?" he said hesitantly.
"Flint, darling, it's me." Tanis swished over to where the dwarf sat, extending a limp-wristed hand toward Flint, his organza gown rustling around him. Flint leaped to his feet, clutching at his chest.
"Reorx!" Flint gasped, taking in the bejeweled, perfumed, cross-dressed half-elf who stood before him, high heels sinking into the mud of the road. "Why the drag? You were ugly enough. Now you're just...just..." The old dwarf wheezed for breath, certain that he was going to have a heart attack on the spot.
"Flint!" screeched a voice. They turned and saw Tasslehoff running up the road, his hoopak clutched in his hand. "Who's your girlfriend? Isn't she kind of tall -- ulp!" The kender came to a dead halt, his pouches flying around him, spilling their contents unheeded into the road. Tas's eyes were huge. "Tanis!" he squeaked. Then his impish face creased in a smile. "That's a really nice purse you have there, Tanis, and those rings are awfully pretty -- "
"Hands off, Tas!" Tanis snatched his dainty hands away from Tas, powder-puffpink nail polish gleaming in the twilight. "Glad to see you too, shorty. Still wearing that topknot? That's so five years ago!" He regarded the gaping dwarf and the grinning kender with disdain. "Well, shall we go to town?" he lisped, gliding down the road in a cloud of sequins and Jean-Paul Gaultier perfume. Flint and Tas stumbled after him.
"What the hell happened to Tanis?" the kender asked in a stage whisper.
"He's finally come out of the closet. With a vengeance!" Flint explained, tramping along after the half-elf, who was shrieking in dismay as his chiffon scarf caught on a nearby bush. Going forward to untangle it, Flint received a saccharine smile from Tanis. He coughed and fell back to walk beside Tas.
"Well, I always figured he was, uh, 'family' but I never expected...Hey, what's wrong with his eyes, Flint?" Tas whispered again as Tanis swished along, humming disco tunes to himself.
"Nothing that a gallon of makeup remover and some cotton balls wouldn't fix!" the dwarf returned. They were nearing the edges of the town now. Unconsciously, the dwarf fell back, unwilling to be seen in the company of the drag-clad half-elf. Tas gave him a stern look.
"Flaming queen or not, Flint, he's still our friend! He's still Tanis!" the kender admonished, skipping along beside the dwarf, Tanis's Shiseido eye shadow duo compact jingling in his pocket.
"Uh...sure. It's not like there aren't gay people on Krynn, after all. Despite the fact that not once have that Weis and Hickman outfit mentioned any!" Flint said, staring around suspiciously.
"What about Mathew the bisexual wizard?" a voice demanded out of nowhere.
"He's not from Krynn! He doesn't count!" Flint snapped. Margaret subsided in a huff, resolving to make Flint get on a boat as the story went on.
They climbed the stairs to the Inn of the Last Home, trying not to step on Tanis' trailing skirt, the sound of the half-elf's high heels clanking on the stairs, drowning out the jeers of "Papa's got a brand new bag...and shoes to match!"
The door opened, and a wave of light, heat, noise, and the smell of spicy potatoes hit them dead in the face.
"I guess I can forget about getting any mineral water here!" Tanis groused, picking the hem of his gown up off the dusty floor of the Inn. Flint and Tas looked at each other and shrugged.
"Flint! Tas!" Caramon was waving at them from a table. A red-robed figure sat in the shadows -- Raistlin. "Over here!' They made their way over to the twins.
"My friends!" Caramon shook their arms off, his puzzled glance going to the glittering creature which stood nearby, batting his mascaraed eyes at the big warrior. "Who's -- SHIT!" Caramon staggered back and sat down with a thud that rattled the floor. "Tanis? Did you lose a bet? What -- " he said as Flint poked him in the ribs.
"Caramon, you're looking hunky as ever," Tanis said demurely. "Where's Raistlin...?"
The mage was coughing wildly, his hourglass eyes staring in disbelief at the flamboyantly clad half-elf, who stood clutching his beaded evening bag inone hand. Raistlin gasped for breath. "I was going to ask if *my* appearance startled you, but -- damn!" He shook his head. "And people gave ME crap about going around in a robe!"
"And what are you supposed to be? A reject from 'Rocky Horror'? Ever heard of Nice 'n' Easy? Didn't think so." Tanis bitched, sitting down gingerly on a chair and crossing his legs at the knee. "Where's Kit? I can't wait to tell that slag to hit the road, jack, and don't come back no more." He giggled. The others stared at each other in blank confusion.
They heard a murmur in the crowd. Everyone turned to see Sturm standing in the doorway to the Inn, clad in the armor of a Solamnic knight and looking very proud, noble...and butch, as Tanis observed.
"Here we go. Now it's gonna hit the fan." Flint muttered, covering his eyes as Sturm started toward the table.
"He has a fan? Oh." Tas said, eyeing the ostrich-feathered, lace-encrusted object in the half-elf's other hand.
Sturm approached the table, his armor clanking. "My old friends! Wha...TANIS!?!" he cried. He looked Tanis up and down, taking in the elaborate hairstyle, the painted face, the falsies, and the pointed ears hung with dangling earrings that tinkled as Tanis moved. His voice was choked with emotion. "On my honor as a knight, I've never seen any woman so...disturbing!" Sturm took a step backward. Tanis sighed elaborately and walked toward the knight. The others watched his swivel-hipped sashay in horrified fascination.
"Sturm, darling, don't be that way!" Tanis admonished, flapping his hand as he spoke. He poked Sturm with his fan, and the knight jumped. "You of all people should understand the torment I've gone through, trying to find out who I am and where I belong. Didn't you miss me? Aren't you glad to see me?"
"Um...I guess so." Sturm said, edging around the half-elf to sit down beside Caramon, who was still gawking at Tanis as if he were a six-legged calf.
"Now...why don't we all order a little drinky and you can tell me what naughty business you've been up to these past five years!" Tanis said with a flourish of his fan. The others mutely sat down.
"Otik!" Tanis yelled, his dulcet tones giving way to a sudden booming holler. "Four ales, a mug of hot water, and a Mai Tai, sweetheart!"
Dragons of Wasted Nights
"We do not have time for this!" Goldmoon groused. "We must reach Flotsam in order to find a ship before it grows too dangerous to sail!"
"I agree. But what can we do? He's got his mind made up!" replied Riverwind, his stern eyes watching the figure which rode on a golden palomino far ahead of the others. Tanis was clad in silver three inch platform go-go boots that reached to mid-thigh, a platinum blonde wig, and a silver PVC minidress so short that every time he dismounted, Goldmoon prayed to Mishakal that they would all be saved from being struck blind. He looked like Barbarelven. The Plainsman shook his head sadly.
"If only Sturm were here! He could talk some sense into Tanis!" Tika said nervously, riding on Goldmoon's other side.
Raistlin, perched beside Caramon on the wagon, laughed sneeringly. "I doubt that. If you ask me, I think Sturm would have enjoyed this a little TOO much. Did you see how they were looking at one another while we were in Thorbardin? I half expected to turn a corner and find them in a dark tunnel -- "
"Don't say it, Raist!" Caramon said, shuddering and looking a bit green.
"It's all your fault, anyway! If you hadn't come up with the idea for this traveling roadshow, things never would have gotten out of hand like this!" Goldmoon cried, pointing an accusing finger at the mage.
"And we would have starved!" Raistlin snapped. "Between the enormous quantities of food my brother consumes and Tanis' runaway Stila lip gloss habit, we would have been destitute long ago! I had to think of something. Besides, he's pulling his weight. Even the draconians seem to like him."
"I guess so." Goldmoon turned her gaze to the half-elf, who rode sidesaddle, patting stray wisps of his wig as the wind dislodged his seven layers of Aqua Net. "Though it pains me to admit it, he is not that bad at what he does." She sighed.
They rode on in silence. Presently, they came to a small town.
"Ooh! 'The Pink Pansy'...Aren't we the lucky ones!" Tanis squealed, reining in his horse (which he called 'Judy'.) "Raistlin, dear! Do you see -- "
"I see it, Tanis." Raistlin answered wearily. "Very well then. Let us go in and see if the innkeeper is amenable to hosting the, uh, show. And don't call me dear! Ever!" He coughed, exchanging a glance with his twin, who shook his head. By the time Tanis finished dragging them all over Goodlund, stopping in every two-horse town with an inn, the war would doubtless be over and they would all have been reported as missing persons.
"Here we go again." Riverwind muttered.
*****
"I LOVE THE NIGHT LIFE! I'VE GOT TO BOOGIE..." The music thundered through the common room of the Pink Pansy Inn, grating on the nerves of the five heterosexual companions who huddled backstage.
"Can't you shut off that thing, Raist?" Caramon yelled over the noise, pointing at the Sony boom box which stood before them, hidden from view of the audience.
"No. Unfortunately, I enchanted it so that it will play continuously so long as Tanis wants it to. Whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Those were his terms." Raistlin sighed deeply, regretting for the hundredth time that he'd let Tanis talk him into casting a spell on the accursed machine.
"'Whatever he wants, whenever he wants.' Those were his terms, were they?" Riverwind raised his eyebrows.
"Shut up!" Raistlin clutched his gaudy red, sparkly, sequined robe around him defensively. "You were the one who was caught bathing in the hot spring alone with him at Yuletide!"
"Riverwind!" Goldmoon smacked her husband hard, her eyes blazing. He rubbed his arm and looked abashed.
"Hey, I was just soaking, and Half-Wo -- I mean, Half-Elven just wandered up. Was I supposed to get out of the water and let him see me in the altogether? You don't know how long I had to wait until his back was turned and I could make a run for my towel...aww, come on, Kan-Tokah, you know you're the only one who's seen Little Big Man!" The Plainsman followed an angry Goldmoon back behind the brightly lit stage area, which flashed and glimmered with the revolving mirrored ball Tanis had insisted on buying a few towns ago, along with the rotating gel lights and bubble machine which churned on the other side of the stage.
"Well, at least *he's* not being booed and hissed at!" Tika sniffed. Her scanty belly-dancing costume had not gone over well. Caramon put his arm around her.
"It's not your fault -- " he began, moving his hand just a *little* lower on Tika's shoulder. Raistlin snorted derisively, and Caramon's hand stopped. He flushed, but Raistlin was not paying attention. He stood with his arms folded, shaking his head at Tanis and muttering to himself under his breath. "Sex change spell! As if! He doesn't know what he's asking..." Then he noticed the others staring at him.
"Tika, Caramon is right," the mage said. He nodded toward the wildly cheering audience. "Do you realize we three and the Plainsmen are probably the only five people in this whole town who have never bent over to pick up the soap by 'accident'?"
The twins and Tika stared out from the wings.
Tanis was gyrating wildly, nearly falling off his platforms as he lip-synched to the thumping disco song. A row of Solamnic leatherboys sat before him, shouting approval. Some draconians stood behind them, their clawed hands flopping from limp wrists as they eyed the half-elf drag queen with reptilian admiration. Various other members of the Rainbow Nation sat or stood around the stage, cheering as Tanis crossed to wind his pink marabou boa seductively around one of the leatherboys' necks, pulling it away coyly as the Solamnic was about to grab him.
The song ended. The audience cheered wildly. Piles of steel coins clinked into the wooden bowl at Tanis' feet. They overflowed the bowl as Tanis bowed with a flourish. His short skirt rode up in the back, and the three of them hastily looked away with a collective "Ugggghhh!"
"Guess the 'boxers or briefs' question doesn't apply to Tanis!" Caramon muttered, fighting down his dinner.
"How can he stand that thing? They always chafe my tailbone!" Tika said.
They heard Tanis calling, "Thank you, sweeties. Thank you sooooo much! I love you all!" He kissed his hands to the audience and winked saucily at the leatherboy he'd singled out, who grinned in anticipation.
Raistlin sighed. He turned toward Tika and Caramon and shrugged. "As I said, at least he's pulling his own weight."
Dragons of Spring Darling
Tanis Half-Elven stood among the dragonarmies of the Blue Lady ("Blue LAY is more like it. Such an indiscriminating girl!") trying to look inconspicuous. This was difficult, as he was clad in a tight Chinese silk gown the color of raspberries, a geisha girl wig, and shoes that clopped like the hooves of horses whenever he took a step. His sword, Wormsucker, was buckled around his corseted waist.
Kitiana Uth Matar, leader of the Blue Dragonarmy, stood a few paces away from Tanis, trying very hard to NOT look like she was with the half-elf drag queen. As she prepared to fulfill her promise and present Tanis to Lord Ariakus, she rolled her eyes. Tanis was fussing with a compact, wiping off some smudged Wild Flamenco lipstick from his heavily lined mouth. Well, she thought, at least I know why he always wanted to have me wear that construction worker's getup.
She called out, "Lord Ariakas! We have defeated the puny Solamnics, and victory is ours!" Turning to the effeminate creature to her right, she grabbed Tanis' arm and dragged him forward. "Put that thing away, you...you freak!"
"Someone obviously needs a visit to Dr. Midol!" Tanis snapped, tripping along as Kitiara dragged him toward the dais where Lord Ariakus sat on his throne, the Crown of Power on his head.
"Who in the name of Takhisis is this?" Lord Ariakus demanded, rising to his feet.
There is only room in this temple for ONE queen! came a mysterious voice from the alcove above him.
Laurana, chained and manacled and held by two strapping dragonarmy officers, winced. Some rescue this was going to be. She might have known -- Tanthalas Quisif Nan-Pansy was never going to be able to get her out of this one.
"Lord Ariakus!" Kitiara shouted. "I present to you the er, man, who has given us the means to allow our Queen -- " she bowed, and elbowed Tanis, who dropped an elaborate curtsey, " -- to win this war and crush the enemy! Tanis Half-Elven!"
There was muttering throughout the Temple, scattered hisses, sucking sounds, and from here and there, a festive cry of "He can polish my sword anytime!"
"Step forward, uh, Tanis," said Ariakus, "and lay your weapon at my feet!"
Tanis batted his false eyelashes at the big, mean, evil and undeniably handsome and strapping Dragon Highlord. Drawing Wormsucker with a gloved, bejeweled hand, he approached the dais...
Tanis! Strike! came a voice in his mind. I will destroy his magical shield!
"Oooh! Raisty!" he began.
The voice continued, Shut up, you stupid, lacquered, Bee Gees-addled tart! Just do as I say!
"Ooookay, sweety!" Tanis said in a stage whisper with a broad, flirtatious wink. There was an annoyed sound, then the voice was gone.
"Well?" Lord Ariakus, tapping his foot.
"Too bad, Ariakus, honey," Tanis sighed, clopping up the stairs in his new Manolo Blaniks (which pinched his toes, but fashion was queen over comfort, otherwise he'd be dressing in dungarees and listening to Sarah McLachlan). Before anyone could stop him, the half-elven transvestite leaped at Lord Ariakus and ran him through with Wormsucker, squealing in dismay as the Dragonlord's blood splashed over his elbow-length opera gloves.
The hall erupted in chaos as Ariakus' crown fell off and rolled down the steps. Kitiara and about four other Dragon Highlords all jumped for it, landing in a tangle of multicolored dragonscale armor. Tanis removed Wormsucker from Lord Ariakus' corpse and, taking a lacy handkerchief out of his Kate Spade bag, fastidiously wiped it clean before putting it back in its sequinned scabbard. Then he turned, shoving aside draconians and human soldiers alike who were bent on destroying him (or humping him) and made his elegant way back to where Kit was throttling another Highlord, trying to force him to drop the Crown of Power.
"Give me that!" Tanis said snottily, snatching the jeweled crown from the man's weakening grasp.
"Tanis!" Kit let go of her opponent, who fell in a heap at Tanis' feet. He stepped back and shook a gloved finger at Kit.
"Uh, uh, uh, you sweaty tuna!" he said sassily. He smacked Kit's grasping hands away. "There's only room for ONE queen here, as I believe SHE said before!" He flapped his hand at the empty alcove above Lord Ariakus' throne.
"You...you...you BITCH!" Kit yelled, then made a grab for Tanis' neck.
"Hey, Kit! Better do as the 'lady' says and leave!" came a voice. They turned. Laurana stood near them, brandishing a sword.
"Lauralanthalasa! Who's been doing your hair? A headless gully dwarf? And that skirt...it's just a little too 'One Million BC' for me..."
"Shut up, Tanis!" Laurana said. She waved her sword in Tanis' direction.
"Disgusting, isn't it?" Kit said, jerking a thumb at the draq queen.
"Yeah. And I thought he was so manly!" Laurana sneered at the half-elf, who put his hands on his girdled hips and cocked his head.
"Think he's liable ever to change?"
"Nah." Laurana lowered her sword. She gave Kit a speculative glance. "Know any good-looking humans? I hear you've had more than one boyfriend. I guess HE doesn't count!" They turned and looked at Tanis, who was humming to himself and trying on the Crown, tilting it so that it sat saucily over one eye. Every so often a soldier or a draconian or someone else would hurl himself at Tanis, trying to take away the Crown, but the half-elf merely smacked the oncomers in the face with his heavily-loaded purse, sending them all to the floor.
"Come on. I know this really cool bar in Flotsam. Lots of sailors, nice guys, and desperate as hell since they've been at sea six or eight months at a time. We'll get you some action, Blondie." Kit put her arm around the elven princess, who dropped her sword among the rapidly accumulating pile of purse-bashed dragonarmy soldiers. "Who needs someone who wears more makeup than we do anyway?" The two disappeared into the smoke and confusion. Tanis rolled his eyes and clapped a hand dramatically to his forehead.
"At last!" He started to sashay out of the Temple, picking his way around the dead, bashing attackers in the face with his handbag. "This is definitely not my scene. And the colors -- good LORD, they're so tacky! Hasn't Takhisis ever heard of pastels?"
*****
"Where's Tanis?" Caramon was limping, dragging his brother. Raistlin, attired in black robes and looking extremely put out, said nothing. Tika and Tas, hobbling along behind the two, heard a strange clopping sound far behind them, but as they reached the exit to the Temple of Neraka, the sounds died off in the tremendous noise and confusion outside.
They paused outside the Temple. "Where's Tanis?" Caramon said again.
"The last time I saw that simpering idiot, he or she or whatever you want to call it was running down the hallway, singing show tunes and looking for some cloth to make himself a sash that says 'Miss Neraka 352'!!" Raistlin snapped. "Go find him yourself. I have to be going."
"But Raist -- " Caramon began. Tika sighed, shaking her head. Tas merely looked confused.
"Caramon -- " Raistlin started to launch into his Big Exit Speech, but he was interrupted by a shrill, girlish voice.
"Yooooo hooo!" They all turned. From the darkness and drifting ash, a lurid figure emerged who was clad in a hot pink satin gown, marabou bolero jacket, expensive mules, and wearing a battered crown on its artificial geisha-styled hair. It waved a white piece of cloth in one hand and carried a handbag stuffed to the gills with various cosmetics in the other. All four of them groaned simultaneously. Even Tasslehoff looked afraid.
"Well, that's it. I'm outta here." Raistlin stuffed a hand into a pocket and pulled out his dragon orb. "Cyan! Get your green ass over here NOW! It's a Ru-Paul alert!"
"Raist! Wait! You have to make that tragic speech and break my heart first!" Caramon cried. "It's in the script!" He reached into his armor and pulled out a 300 page sheaf of notes. "Right here, on page 294, it says, 'Caramon, where I go, you cannot follow -- '"
"To hell with that!" Raistlin caught sight of Cyan Bloodbane and waved his arms frantically as the half-elf ran with exaggerated baby steps toward the assembled group. "He's done nothing but screw up the works since day one. Contract or not, I'm getting out of this now, before it's too late. And anyway, he's after me! He told me that he had a weakness for guys in black, and now that Sturm's dead he's looking for another boy toy -- "
"Raisty! Yoo hoo!" The voice was louder, coming closer.
"CYAN!" Raistlin's voice took on a strangled note of panic. The others ducked as the green dragon landed, and Raistlin bolted toward him, hitching up his robes as he ran.
"Raisty! Wait! Oh pooh." Tanis puffed as the mage scrambled onto the dragon's back and Bloodbane took off, after giving the geisha-girl half-elf a horrified look. They watched as the dragon and his rider vanished into the night sky.
"Well, at least I got to see his legs," Tanis groused prettily. "Oooh, that reminds me. Ta-da!" He flung the white cloth over his arm and shoulder, settling it across his chest. "What do you think?"
"Uh, Tanis. I think 'Neraka' has only one K." Tas said.
"Where'd you get that crown, anyway? I thought that thing was evil!" Tika asked, pointing at the golden Crown of Power on the half-elf's wig.
Tanis's demure expression suddenly melted into one of pure, diabolical malice. "Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!!!" he screeched. "I am the ruler now! And let me tell you, girlfriends, there are going to be some CHANGES made around this little popsicle stand!" He suddenly had a long bullwhip in his hand, which glowed with magical power. "Woo hoo!" Tanis cracked the whip, and sparks flew through the air. Lightning crashed overhead. The others looked at each other, then ran for their lives.
"Maybe we can find a phone booth and have Raistlin meet us there." Tika panted. "Surely -- "
"No way, man! Raist is on his own. You heard what he said -- Tanis is after his golden ass -- literally! He'll be the first one Tanis goes after! We're way safer away from him, at least until they start shooting for 'Legends'!" Caramon said.
"At least we know what color the dragons are going to be!" Tas said, trying to keep up with the others.
"Huh?" Caramon gasped. Tas didn't reply, just pointed behind them. Caramon turned to look.
The Temple of Neraka was gone. It had exploded; the stars were back in the sky. Everything was as it should have been. Well, sort of. The three stopped and stared in absolute terror.
Where the Temple had stood, a gigantic Malibu beach house now rose, painted a charming yellow. It had an extremely well-manicured lawn. Purple lightning crashed around it. There was a strong smell of Obsession for Women. A huge pink triangle hung over its door. As they watched, a brace of pink dragons came hurtling from the sky, landing with an excessive flapping of their wings around the new structure. Track lighting flashed on inside. They could hear the faint strains of "Ring My Bell" vibrating from within the beach house.
"Shit!" Caramon swore, and they all began running again.
*****
No one ever found out what happened to Kitiara Uth Matar and Laurana, though it was whispered that they had been seen on the decks of a pirate ship, clad in bucchaneer clothes, carrying cutlasses, and followed about by some very grateful sailors as they ordered the boarding and looting of other vessels.
Tika, Tas and Caramon all went back to Solace, where they took over the Inn of the Last Home. All three of them developed a drinking problem, however, scarred by memories of that last, awful sight at Neraka. Eventually, the casting calls went out for 'Legends' and they were forced to enter the Otik Sandahl Rehab Center beforehand in order to keep their roles.
Raistlin went to Palanthas and shut himself up in the Tower of High Sorcery, telling everyone that he wanted to be left alone. Soon he was forced to hire protection, under the guise of a dark elf apprentice, but this act only fueled the rumors about Raistlin that Tanis had started back in Neraka, and the archmage was forced to travel through time and make out on camera with a cleric in order to put them to rest.
Goldmoon and Riverwind, left behind in Kalaman, soon heard stories of the new Dragon Highlord and hightailed it back to the Plains, where they gave orders to terminate any tranvestite, red-haired half-elves on sight, no questions asked.
Tanis became the feared and hated Pink Highlord, and his armies of leatherboys and limp-wristed draconians were the terror of all Ansalon. His pink dragons with their flaming breath weapons ruled the lands all around Neraka, until one day Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman decided to put a stop to it all, and had Lord Soth return from Ravenloft long enough to kill Tanis as he sat in a Jacuzzi with ten other men, sipping a peach daquiri and arguing about which were more fun -- Solamnics or Knights of Takhisis.
Dragonlance Underground is owned and operated by Mages of the Plains.
Dragonlance is a registered trademark of Wizards of the Coast, Inc. All contents are copyright of their respective owners. Please refer to our Legal Page.