Granak's Proposed As-complete-as-you-can-get-without-eating-the-dung Timeline

By Raistlana

Inspired by the rantings of Weldon Chen

"Someone who reads a piece of kapak dung might like it. *I* won't be dismissing it because some people like Kapak dung. And some people like Sivak dung. And some people like the rosy smell of Elf dung. If I make a treatise about the many flavored dung on the planet Krynn, I'm not going to be excluding elf dung just because I think draconian dung is better. My treatise will be about dung, and all things dung."
- Granak Red-Silver, DL Mailing List

1. The Age of Dungbirth.
   1. Creation of Krynn
      1. In the beginning there was dung, which we know as Chaos. From out of the dung came an aroma we know as the High God. The dung was empty and lifeless, so the High God took the dung and molded three pieces. Breathing life into the High God's creations, the gods Paladine, Takhisis, and Gilean were born.
      2. The gods call forth companions: Mishakal, Sargonnas, Reorx, Zivilyn, Morgion, Hiddukel, Kiri-Jolith, Habbakuk, Sirrion, Chemosh, Branchala, Chislev, Majere, Sirrion, Shinare, Nuitari, Zeboim, Solinari, and Lunitari, all who wished to play with the dung.
      3. Reorx forges the world, by striking the dung with his great hammer to forge Krynn. The splatter began to dance among the stars.
      4. The gods began to quarrel over what to do with the dung. The gods of evil wanted to play with the dung, to make it do what they wanted it to do. The Gods of good wanted to nurture the dung, to make the dung as holy as themselves. The Gods of neutrality wanted to let the dung choose good or evil, thus beginning the All-Dung's War.
   2. All-Dung's War.
      1. The Gods waged war with much dung slinging, until Good allied with neutral preventing evil from achieving ultimate victory. The High God squatted down among them and told each side to give the spirits a gift.
      2. The Gods of good gave the spirits the need to control and play with each other, so that they may be more like the gods of good. The Gods of evil gave the gift of desire and hunger so that they may devour upon themselves. The Gods of Neutrality gave the spirits the freedom of choice so they may play with dung, or devour the dung as is their choice.

2. Age of Dreams
   1. The Ogres, the most beautiful of races, begin falling to their base desires, spreading the dung upon themselves. The Ogre Irgraine, realizing what the dung was doing to them, fled from the ogres so they could remain as beautiful as they could be, calling his followers the Irda. The other ogres became ugly and corrupt, and smelled really bad.
   2. The dragons, made from the earth itself, begin making war on themselves, and upon the elves. The First Sinthal-Elish is called to combat the dragons. The first dragonwar was won, but at great cost, for much dung was flung.
   3. In the second Sinthal-Elish, the great elf leader gathered the houses and created the nation of Silvanesti which means, "Silvanos' dung heap". Those lead by Kaganos that refused to submit to the dung heap, left the Sinthal-Elish to life as one with the dung, declaring that the dung can never be owned by any one elf.
   4. Because of Hiddukel, Reorx is tricked into putting Chao into a really shiny piece of turd we call the greystone. It was given to Luntairi, but soon Reorx needed to recover the greystone despite Lunitari's objections. He gathered his cursed gnomes to build a great plunger on which one could draw the greygem from Lunitari. But the gnome who did recover the turd quickly dropped it in disgust, and the piece floated into the sky and flew away. Reorx was angered and demanded that his gnomes follow the turd to the far ends of the earth. The Gnomes came to Ansalon, where they battled with Gargath for the greygem. In the final battle, the Shining turd grew brighter and changed the gnomes on the battlefield. Those that were curious became the kender, and those that greedily wanted the greygem became dwarves. And there was much dung-flinging.
   5. In the second dragonwar, the dragons again attacked the elves, with much dung-flinging. In the final moments of that battle, three elven mages gathered together and produced such a nasty piece of excrement, that the dragons were destroyed. Many elves also died from the smell, causing the survivors to rise up against the mages. The gods of magic spirited away the three to their citadel where they taught them the rules of magic:
      1. All wizards are brothers in their order. All orders are brothers in the power of the dung.
      2. The places of High Sorcery are held in common among all orders, and no stool is to be used there in anger against a fellow wizard.
      3. The world beyond the walls of the toilets may bring brother against brother, and order against order, but such is the way with the universe.
   6. There came a time when the Silvanesti king was blessed with twins, Kith-Kanan and Sithas. The two soon became enemies because humans and elves were interacting and intermarrying. Soon human flung dung at human, elf against elf, and dwarf against dwarf in what was known as the Kin-Slayer Wars. A great many were dirtied, until Kith-kanan sued for peace. Banished from Silvanesti, Kith took his followers to a new forest, that he called Qualinesti, or Qualin's dung heap after his mother. The new peace was created with dwarves, humans and elves, until the dragons returned.
   7. In the first dragonwar, the Solamnic Knight Huma, through piety and humility, discovered the process of making the dragonlance from a long piece of dung that was straight and true, and uses it to stab the dark goddess Takhisis. In great pain, the goddess agrees to banish the evil dragons and herself to the infernal sewers known as the Abyss.

3. Age of Right
   1. Great peace reigned after the war, with Solamnia and the trader nation of Istar growing in power as well as religion. Soon, all eyes turned to Istar and its ruler the Kingpriest. But the Kingpriest has a problem with dung. Always constipated, the Kingpriest ruled that there were races that were inherently dirty and can never come clean. Those races, the ogres, goblins, minotaurs, and kender were enslaved or killed. The Kingpriest then decreed that thinking of dung causes one to play with dung, and so, anyone who was caught thinking of dung was severely punished.

4. Age of Darkness
   1. There came one great event, when in pride, and arrogance, the Kingpriest declared that he, and only he was great enough to drive out all dung-eating and playing upon Krynn. The Gods grew angered and flung the fiery dung mountain upon Istar. Istar was immediately flushed, leaving only a swirling Maelstrom of water in its place.
   2. The land heaved and swayed and the people turned from the gods, believing them betrayed by such an indecent act.
   3. In this time, the Dark Queen returned from her banishment with evil dragons at her side. She stole the good dragon eggs and made the parents swear an oath to stay out of the dung-flinging that was to come.

      Paladine brought together companions, who were well experienced. These Heroes of the Lance searched the land to find the legendary dragonlances to fight the evil dragons. Others discover that the draconians were the mutated dragon eggs who were fed large amounts of stool, hideously turning them into evil creatures, causing the good dragons to join the war, and end their children's misery. The elf princess Laurana gathered her armies to drive back the dragonarmies, but was captured with her love of the half-elf Tanis. Taking a team to the very bowels of Neraka, the heroes of the lance rescue the princess and sealed Takhisis back into the Abyss.

5. Age of Mortals.
   1. Peace lasted until Takhisis returned with Knights of Neraka to reconquer the world. Beyond this, the Irda, fearing that they would again be forced to rub in droppings as their ancestors did, broke the greygem, releasing Chaos, who was greatly angered for being sealed up in a large shiny piece of stool for millennias. He created Chaos Spawn to fling dung at the all peoples of Krynn to punish the gods who would mistreat him. Facing mutual destruction, the gods and people set aside their differences to battle Chaos, with Tasslehoff taking the final blow.
   2. Unbeknownst to all, Takhisis's great plan had come to fruition, where she stole Krynn from the other gods. Transplating all the dung and sealing the firmament from the gods greatly weakened the evil goddess. In her rest, dragons from regions unknown came upon Krynn and delighted in the fresh dung and the weak mortals they could force to eat the dung.
   3. There was great hardship among the peoples, for they ate dung when they were told. Few people in the free nations strived to stay above the mulch, but the dragon overlords' great manure was simply too overpowering.
   4. There came a messenger, a young girl named Mina, who told of the One God who watched over all. Following the One God's direction, Mina and her knights of Neraka brought down the elven shield of Silvanos' dung heap for the minotaurs, and destroyed the Dragon overlords one by one. Only too late was it learned that the one god was takhisis. Only too late did the heroes of the times realize that Takhisis's great firmament has sealed off fresh air, causing even the dead spirits to rise up and steal magic from the lands. It came to pass that the legendary hero Tasslehoff coming from a better time, brought about events so that the gods could find Krynn once again. At the eve of Takhisis's final triumph, Paladine, in elven form, rubbed the earthy manure upon himself, making himself mortal. In the great balance, Takhisis was also rubbed with earthy manure and made mortal. The Silvanesti King killed her with a dragonlance. In her dispair, Mina killed king Silvanoshei, and fled the battle with her goddess.

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