The Gnome with the Dragon Orb (Part 1)
The inn was a run down joint in the middle of nowhere, just the sort of place where one could go to get away from it all, yet still have a good time. The place was well known for both its beer and its women, and one particular visitor this evening was enjoying one of those women more than the beer in an upstairs room of the inn. The woman was also highly enjoying the visitor, for while she was experienced, he was showing her things she never thought possible in an intimate encounter.
The fun was nearly ruined by a special communication the visitor received via a magical stone sitting within one of the visitor's pouches. It would go ignored, however, until the next morning - a man must make time for his own pleasures, after all, and pleasure her he did.
Upon waking, and seeing as his companion was still deep asleep, the visitor quickly reviewed the message. He then got dressed in his finest outfit, consisting of new brown leggings and a bright green shirt, arranged his numerous pouches about his person, grabbed his hoopak, and strolled out the door. After all, 007 was now a kender on a mission.
They eyed the entrance carefully, waiting for an opening in the defenses of those within the mountain. 007 motioned his companion over to the rock he hid behind. F moved slowly, hobbling along while trying to keep his weathered gray hat upon his head.
"I say, 007," F mumbled in a badly maligned British accent. "I can't keep up this pace all day."
007 kept silent, ignoring the complaints of his companion while keeping his hoopak on the ready. Why he ever agreed to let F come along was anybody's guess. He only hoped to get in the gnomish stronghold, get what they needed, and get out in once piece. And just maybe he'd get laid along the way.
They knew that their best shot at getting into the mountain was by a distraction, a distraction which should shortly be a rather impressive explosion off along the base of the mountain. While explosions were not very noteworthy (indeed, they were a daily occurrence at Mt. Nevermind), this one would grab everybody's attention. At least, that was the plan. And plans never went as planned.
The explosion was marked by a gloriously deafening roar. A plume of smoke rose into the air where the explosion had occurred. That will teach them not to leave a gas tanker lying around, 007 thought with a wry smile. The guards, for their part, stood still for several more seconds after the explosion, thinking that it was SNAFU, but then they too ran into to answer the shouts from deeper within the mountain.
"That's our cue, let's go."
"F," it sounded like F mumbled.
"What?" 007 asked.
"You called me 'Q'."
"No I didn't. I said 'cue'. You know, like a pool stick."
F sighed. "You are not being very amusing, 007." He looked into the mountain. "We had better go before the guards decide to return."
For a moment, 007 seriously considered whacking the old man over the head and hiding the body, but decided against it; his superiors would not have appreciated that.
They walked inside the mountain and took to the first side path they came across. There were dozens of side rooms, each checked for the object that they came here for, but none containing it. While many gnomes used the gnomeflinger on the base floor to get about the different levels of Mt. Nevermind, 007 and F continued to travel the lesser used (and likely mostly forgotten) side path as it rose, twisting and turning, level by level, inside the mountain, away from the main corridors within the gnomish stronghold.
After a couple of hours of mucking about these lesser traveled paths, they finally halted just before an intersection. Carefully peering around the corner, 007 spotted two guards in front of a doorway.
Turning to F, 007 made motions with his fingers to indicate the two guards. F just looked at 007 dumbly. 007 repeated the motions. F shook his head. 007 just rolled his eyes and was about to dash out into the intersection to jump the guards when F began to quietly whistle a tune.
The tune was catchy and familiar, yet 007 could not place it exactly, but he knew he had heard it before. It did attract the attention of the guards, and slowly the pair made their way beyond the intersection and into the corridor that 007 and F were hiding in.
As soon as he had the chance, 007 dispatched the first guard with ruthless efficiency, grabbing the gnome's undergarments from behind and yanking them up over his head and eyes, blinding the poor gnome. Just for kicks, 007 pushed him headlong into a wall. The gnome crumpled like a tin can.
The other guard, horrified by the display of wanton cruelty, tried to flee but F stuck out the end of his walking stick, tripping up the guard. 007 quickly pounced on the guard and knocked him unconscious as well. In typical overconfidence, both guards were left in plain sight rather than being hidden away.
They did not make it much farther along the path before a shrill ringing began, echoing up and down the hallway. 007 quickly looked around and easily spotted the trip wire. F had hit it with his walking stick; how, 007 did not know, for the wire was not upon the floor, but along the corridor's wall, a few feet off the ground.
Within seconds, the sounds of many booted feet could be heard running toward them. Quickly, they became surrounded by multiple gnomes armed with short swords. Then, another hideously dressed gnome walked out from the doorway that the two gnomes had guarded.
Without preamble, the gnome (whom 007 took to be their leader) pointed at 007. "Name?" the gnome asked.
"The name's Burrfoot. Tasslehoff Burrfoot."
The gnome pointed at F. "And him?"
"Nobody important."
"Well, Mr. Burrfoot and Mr. Important, my name is Dr. YesThiswouldbeanamalgamofmanycharacternamesifyoudidnotfigureitoutbynowbutnoneofthevillainsintheBondmovieshavereallyeverbeenworthrememberingexceptforthatBlofeldfellowandGoldfinger.
007 sighed. "Can we get on with it already? Otherwise, I might be late for lunch.
The gnome looked indignant. "Fine then, we'll have it your way. Welcome to Mt. Nevermind. You are now my prisoners."
"Sounds charming. Now what?"
"What?" Dr. Yes asked.
"I asked 'now what?'. So, now what?"
"What do you mean, 'now what'?"
Now 007 was getting annoyed. "I asked 'now what', as in, what are you going to do now, you lame villain of a gnome?"
"Oh. Well, I don't know, really."
"Aren't you going to tell us your master plan before attempting to kill us? Something? Anything?" Burrfoot asked.
"What? Oh, no. I have no plan. In fact, I have no idea at all what this thing does," he pointed at the Dragon Orb in the corner of the room, just waiting to be snatched away by the heroes, "but I intend to find out!"
007 looked to the Dragon Orb for awhile, as if willing it to do his bidding. Unfortunately, the Orb never moved. A shame, 007 thought. That has worked so well with women over the years. He turned his attention back to the annoying-yet-sufficiently-evil gnome standing in front of him. "So why not let us go?"
The gnome gasped, as if the idea had numbed his tiny, little brain. "What?"
"Let us go?" 007 offered up again.
"Let you go," the gnome pondered.
"Yes."
"Why?" the gnome asked again.
007 rolled his eyes. "Boredom? A change of pace? Any old excuse would work just fine, you know."
The gnome appeared to think about it for awhile, then simply turned around and stomped out of the room. Two of his associates were left to whack 007 and F over the head. But, as it turned out, F was already sound asleep standing up.
To be continued...
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