Dragonlance Jokes
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A man was arrested in Solamnia and he was brought before the Chief of Justice to be tried. The Chief read over the charges against the man and then said in surprise, "This says you started a brawl in a tavern by claiming to be Raistlin Majere!" "It's true," the man said. "My name is Mr. Majere!" The Chief of Justice sighed. "This man is obviously insane. Have him seen to by a Cleric of Paladine and then let him go in the morning. That should take care of the problem. Dismissed." A week later, the same man was brought before the Chief of Justice. The Chief read over the charges and glared at the defendant. "This says you went to the same tavern and started another brawl! You don't still believe you're actually Mr. Majere, do you?" The defendant answered, "Of course not!" The Chief asked, "Then if you aren't Mr. Majere...?" The defendant smiled and said cheerfully, "I'm MRS. Majere!"
What do you get when you cross a Hill Dwarf and a Solamnic Knight?
A few new Oaths added to the Measure.
The gnome who invented the chariot died and went to the Seven Heavens. At the gates, a solar told the gnome, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the assembly line-changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in the Seven Heavens."
The gnome thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Reorx Himself." The solar at the Gates took the gnome to the Throne Room and introduced him to Reorx. The gnome then asked the god, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of gnomish women?"
Reorx said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said the gnome, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:
"Hmmm," replied Reorx, "hold on." He went to the Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," Reorx replied to the gnome, "but according to statistics, more gnomes are riding my invention than yours!"
Tanis asked Caramon one day, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"
Caramon replied, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."
Tanis and Laurana had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out quite late.
The couple went to the ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, Laurana told Tanis that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.
Tanis responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important Knights of Solamnia.
So Laurana went home alone and found the butler spread out on the sofa reading a manuscript.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear, "Take off my veil, take off my gown, take of my bodice, now take of my chemise. Now remove my stockings, garter and smallclothes."
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted, "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"
A Knight of Solamnia rode into town and stopped at a tavern for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the tavern, handily flipped his sword into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and stabbed it into the table in front of him.
"Which one of you locals stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully.
No one answered.
"All right, I am going to have another ale, and if my horse is not back outside by the time I finish, I will have to do what I did in Solamnia! And I didn't like to have to do what I did in Solamnia!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The Knight, true to his word, had another ale, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The barkeep wandered out of the tavern and asked, "Say sir, before you go, what happened in Solamnia?"
The Knight turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A tutor explains to her youngest students that she is Palanthian. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Palanthian too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their tuotorr, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Karisa does not raise her hand. The tutor asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not a Palanthian."
"Then", asks the tutor, "what are you?"
"I'm a proud Ergothian," boasts the little girl. The tutor is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Karisa why she is an Ergothian.
"My mother and father are Ergothians, so I'm an Ergothian too."
The tutor is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mother was a moron, and your father was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Karisa, "I'd be a Palanthian."
Little Palin was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his parents in The Act. Before Caramon could even react, Palin exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Relieved that Palin was not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Caramon agreed. Palin hopped on and Caramon started going to town. Pretty soon Tika started moaning and gasping.
Palin cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and Theros usually get bucked off!"
A Solamnic General was going over some war plans at the keep when the serving maid came in to clean up the room. She was young, sweet, and polite. While dusting around the desk, she noticed his pants were open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "oh by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his pants were open. He decided to have some fun with the serving girl.
Calling her in, he asked, "by the way Miss Malain, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a knight standing at attention?"
The maid who was quite witty, replied, "why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled squire sitting on two saddle bags."
What is the difference between a Dwarven wedding and a Dwarven funeral?
One less drunk.
Palin and Usha are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Palin says to Usha, "Usha, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Usha replies, "Oh Palin, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Usha, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Palin, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to buy that dragon orb and no money lender would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the biggest money lender came over to the house and gave you the steel, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Usha, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Palin, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very powerful healing spell, and no cleric would touch you? Then remember how the high priest of Paladine came all the way here, to do the spell himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Usha, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Palin, remember a few years ago, when you wanted to be head of the conclave and you were 8 votes short?"
What is Caramon's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so Tika can sweep.
An dwarf walked into the Inn of the Last Home. He ordered three pints of ale, sat in the back of the room, and drank a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
Caramon asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The dwarf replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is on Sancrist, the other in Taladas, and I'm here in Solace. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
Caramon admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.
The dwarf became a regular at the Inn, and always drank the same way. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars noticed and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, Caramon said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The dwarf looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eye and he laughed. "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
A kender from Nordmaar decided to take a vacation to Palanthus to enjoy a different culture. After arriving in Palanthus and getting settled in at his inn, the kender decided to take a walk.
After touring this adventurous city for a few hours he noticed several women on the side of the street strutting their stuff. The kender approached one of them and asked, "What are you doing?"
The woman replied "I'm a prostitute. Are you looking for a good time?"
The kender immediately replied yes.
"Do you wanna have sex?" the prostitute asked.
"Well, sure. I mean, I did come here to live up the true Palanthus experience," said the kender with a grin on his face.
The prostitute grabbed the kender's hand and directed him to her apartment where they had sex. Soon after, the kender got out of bed and proceeded to the door. The prostitute yelled, "Where are you going?"
The kender told her that he was done and it was time for him to go.
"I'm a prostitute. You have to pay me!"
The kender said with a disgusted tone, "Since when do I have to pay for sex?"
The prostitute replied, "Everyone I have sex with has to pay. It's in the word finder, look it up."
The kender kender agreed to pull out a word finder from one of her shelves to look up the word "prostitute." It said, "A woman who has sex in exchange for money." The prostitute immediately started to chuckle and asked for her money.
The kender then remarked, "Okay, to make it even, why don't you look up the word kender?"
The prostitute grabbed the word finder and looked up "kender." The kender said, "Go ahead, read it aloud!"
The prostitute read the definition out loud. "Kender: a small humanoid creature that handles, snatches and forgets to pay."
Two aesthetics walk into an ale house. They go up to the counter to buy a cask of ale. The guy at the counter says, "Brothers, I'm afraid I might be going against the precepts of the Great Library if I sell you this ale. I can't do it."
One aesthetic says, "Worry not my good man, this is for Astinus' constipation."
The clerk decides that's okay and sells them the cask. An hour later, after closing the shop, the clerk is walking home and he sees the two aesthetics, half naked, and singing bawdy tunes near a lamp pole. The clerk runs over and exclaims, "Gentlemen! You lied to me, you said this was for Astinus' constipation."
One aesthetic laughed, pinched the other aesthetic on the ass and said, "It is. Because as soon as he sees us, he's gonna shit!"
Tanis and Caramon were sitting on a street corner in Palanthus wondering if they should buy an ale with their last steel. Tanis suggested that they buy a sausage. Caramon started bitching, complaining that he couldn't drink a sausage and he *really* wanted a drink. But Tanis had an idea that could get them many ales.
"What we do is buy a sausage, go into a tavern, and order two drinks. After we drink our ales you drop down to your knees, and I'll undo my breeches and pull out the sausage so you can suck on it. The barkeep will throw us out thinking we're queers."
Carmaon thought this was a great idea, so they bought a sausage. They went into the first tavern, ordered their drinks, and drank them quickly. Then Caramon dropped to his knees and started to suck the sausage. Sure enough, the barkeep kicked them out thinking they were queer.
They hit about ten or fifteen taverns when the Caramon started to complain about his knees hurting. He asked if in the next tavern if Tanis would do the dirty work. The half-elf replied, "I'd rather not. I lost the sausage after about the fifth bar."
A kender walks into a bar, sits at the stool and asks the bartender "Do you have any roasted dragon claws on the menu?"
The barkeep glares at the kender and spits out "No, we don't have roasted dragon claws to serve!" So the kender leaves.
Next day, the kender shows up at the bar, sits down at the stool and asks the bartender "Do you have any roasted dragon claws on the menu?"
The barkeep looks at the kender, and sure enough, it's the same one. "No we don't have any blasted roasted dragon claws! I told you that yesterday! If you ask for roasted dragon claws again, I'll nail you to the wall!"
The kender leaves, and sure enough, shows up the next day. He sits down at the stool and asks the bartender, "Hey barkeep, do you have any nails?"
The barkeep looks at the kender puzzled and replies "No, I don't have any nails. Why?"
"Great!" says the kender. "Do you have any roasted dragon claws?"
What do you get when you cross a kender and a gully dwarf?
A wandering smell.
What do you get when you cross a kender and a Silvanesti?
A kender whose pouches are better than yours.
What do you get when you cross a kender and a Black Robed Mage?
I dunno but the DM's still pissed.
Two men are sitting in the Inn of the Last Home having drinks, when the first turns to the second and says, "You know, after enough dwarf spirits, you can fall off a building and not even get a scratch."
"I don't believe you!" says the second.
"Come with me to the roof then!" says the first.
So they finish their dwarf spirits and climb out onto the roof of the Inn of the Last Home. The second man looks down and squints "It's a Loooong way down. You sure this works?"
"Of course!" says the first man. "Watch me!"
With that, he leaps out into the air and falls like a stone. He hits the ground with a thud and doesn't move for a second. But just as the second man is about to call for help, he stands up, brushes himself of, and begins the trek up the stairs.
"Ya see?" he calls up the stairs.
The second man is impressed and really excited. He says, "Now I'll try!" With that he leaps off, falls like a stone and splatters when he hits the ground. The first man stands their solemnly for a second, then goes back inside the Inn.
As he walks in Tika turns to him and scowls. "You know, when you get drunk, you're a real asshole, Fizban."
A knight is guarding the city council of Palanthas when a kender walks over to her and says, "Hi! I'm Redwing Littletoes! I know everyone and everyone knows me! I'd like to go in and see the city council."
The knight looks at the kender suspiciously, "You don't know everyone!"
"I do!" says the kender. "I know everyone and everyone knows me."
Just then a Council Member who was late for the meeting bustles up. The Knight snaps a salute, but the official ignores her, saying, "Why, it's Redwing Littletoes! How are you? Come inside!"
The Knight is astonished, but since the kender obviously knows the council member, she lets the kender past.
The next day the Knight is walking down the street when she sees the kender she stops him and says, "Hey! You're Redwing littletoes aren't you?"
"Yep! I'm Redwing Littletoes and I know everyone and everyone knows me!"
She still doesn't believe him, but just then, she sees Revered Daughter Crysania strolling down the street.
"Do you know Revered Daughter Crysania?" the Knight says skeptically.
"Of course!" says the kender and wanders over to say hello. To the Knight's amazement, Crysania greets the kender with a smile and they start chatting.
The Knight walks over saying, "Forgive me for intruding Revered Daughter, but do you know who this is?"
"Of course," smiles Crysania. "This is Redwing Littletoes."
"I told you I know everyone!" said RedWing Littletoes.
Some time passes, and one day the Knight runs into the Kender outside the Tower of Palanthas.
"Hi" says the kender "I'm Redwing Littletoes, remember?"
"Yes I know," says the knight. "Where are you going?"
"I'm having tea with Raistlin!"
The Knight is aghast! "You do not know Raistlin Majere!"
"Sure I do! I'm Redwing Littletoes! I know everyone and everyone knows me!" With that, the kender flits into Shoikan Grove and is gone from sight.
The Knight stands their perplexed, not knowing what to do, fearing the kender will be slain. Suddenly the people around her gasp and point up. Standing high above on a balcony is a man with gold-skin and black robes, and who should be standing there next to him but Redwing Littletoes. She just can't believe her eyes and wonders if she's mistaken.
She stops a man going down the street, and points to the man on the balcony. "Who is that?" she demands.
The man looks up squinting. "Well," he says "i dunno who the guy in the dress is, but the kender is Redwing Littletoes!"
A young boy from Palanthas goes to live with his grandparents on their farm in the countryside. One night, his grandmother hears him crying in his room and she goes in to see what's wrong.
"There's a monster outside!" he says. "It makes this *screech screech* noise"
"Oh, that's just a screech owl," his grandmother says. "I bet we have a lot of animals in the country that you've never heard. Do you know what a cow sounds like?"
The boy sniffles and says, "Sure! We have a market and the farmers are there every day and they bring cows. They say mooo!"
"Very good," replied the grandmother. "Do you know what sound sheep make?"
"Baaaa," he answered, feeling a little better about the farm sounds.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
"Oh I hear that one all the time!" he replied. He took a deep breath, and said solemnly "My honor is my life."
Caramon and Tika were cleaning up the Inn one day when Caramon looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the kitchen grill." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured Tika's bottom.
"Yes I was right your butt is two inches wider than the grill!!!"
Tika chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Caramon is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards Tika who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little sausage?"
A Qualinesti elf, Silvanesti elf and Knight of Solamnia escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The citizens are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
They yell to the Silvanesti elf, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"
The elf jumps and SWISH! The people yank the blanket away... he slams into the ground like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the people on the ground to the Qualinesti elf.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" he says.
"No! It's Silvanesti elves we can't stand! We're OK with Qualinesti!"
"OK" says the Qualinesti, and he jumps. SWISH! The citizens yank the blanket away, and the elf is flattened on the ground like a pancake.
Finally, the knight steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the people yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" he yelled.
"No! Really! We don't like elves! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Knight says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."
Two sisters of Paladine, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helyn, are travelling through Nightlund in their wagon. They get near Dargaard Keep and stop at a crossing.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the back of their horse and hisses at them.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Grab the horsewhip and whack him with it. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn whips out the crop, knocks the vampire about the head with it, but he clings on and continues hissing at the priestesses. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Spray some of the liquid from the wineskin. I filled it up with Holy Water in the temple," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn splashes the water from the wineskin. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the sisters.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she leans over and shouts, "Get the fuck off our wagon!"
KENDER PROPERTY LAWS
An extremely snobbish elf was in the temple of Paladine for a series of tests and spells, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon waking from the latest dose of magical energy, he discovered he had filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the temple window.
A dwarf was walking by the temple when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
The dwarf stood there staring down at the sheets, a Knight of Solamnia who had watched the whole incident ran up and asked, "What the Abyss was that all about?"
Still staring down, the dwarf replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
Three desperately ill men met with their healer one day to discuss their options. Caramon was an alcoholic, Sturm was a chain smoker, and Tanis was a homosexual. The healer, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the temple, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the crossroads, they passed an inn. Caramon, hearing the loud cheers and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a tankard of ale.
No sooner had he replaced the tankard on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the healer's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a pipe lying on the ground, still burning. Tanis looked at Sturm and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
This guy owns a horse farm and a friend tells him "I know this gnome with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over".
The gnome arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse.
"A female horth", the gnome replies. So the owner shows him one.
"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?"
So the owner picks up the gnome and shows him the horse's teeth.
"Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the gnome and shows him her eyes.
"OK, what about the earsth?"
Now the owner is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the gnome one more time and shows him her ears.
"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."
With that the owner loses all patience, picks up the gnome and shoves his head up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out.
Shaking his wet head, the gnome says, "perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."
Par Salian was demonstrating the casting of "Lightning Bolt" to the class of white robe students at the Tower of High Sorcery. While holding a glass rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..." That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.
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