Even More Dragonlance Jokes
Little Palin asks Caramon: "where did I come from, Father?"
Caramon blushes and starts to sweat, but at last he decides that truth is the best option, and tells Palin all about it, starting with the birds and bees and ending with a detailed description of intercourse.
"So, my son," he says. "Now do you know where you came from?"
Palin scratches his head and replies: "Not really. Thedon says he came from Haven."
Palin returns from his first day in magic school.
"What did you learn today, dear?" Asks Tika.
"Not much," the boy replies. "I have to go back tomorrow."
- My friend always advises people to leave their windows open at any time of year.
- Oh, you're friend must be a doctor.
- No, a kender.
Tanis and his family sit down to dinner. Suddenly little Gilthas puts down the spoon and asks: "Father, why did you marry Mother?"
"You see," Tanis tells Laurana. "Even the kid wonders."
The eager young captain of the guards gives a speech before the kender imprisoned in the city jail about how crime doesn't pay. At the end of the lecture, he asks each one to say a few words about "why I am here."
Findal Smoothlobe says: "Because I was caught!"
A drunken dwarf approaches the gates of Thurbardin, where a guard is stationed. But he sees everything double, and so he asks: "Can I enter, friends?"
The guard eyes him and replies: "Yes, but go in one at the time."
Little Laurana's beloved tortoise died, and she cried her eyes out.
"Don't be sad, my daughter," the Speaker tries to comfort her. "We'll give it a big funeral, with a parade, banners, fireworks and orchestra."
While he talks, the tortoise starts to move its legs.
"Father," says Laurana. "Can we kill it anyway?"
Two identical twin brothers are sitting at the bar of the inn. A dwarf stares at them with his eyes wide open.
"What are you so amazed about?" One of them says. "We're twins."
"All four of you?" Asks the dwarf.
Caramon became impotent and Tika threw him out disgracefully. One night there's a knock on the door, and Tika calls: "who is it?"
"It's me, your husband," comes the reply.
"Get lost, you good-for-nothing!" Tika yells.
Caramon replies: "you would have let me in if you knew what I knocked on the door with."
At the Tarsis university:
Professor: "There are some tribes in the plains, where the women are so deprived, they have to sleep with the mule or the pig."
Female student: "in modern society it is often so, too."
A dwarven saying: alcohol can preserve everything but secrets.
Gully dwarf 1: "how your feet more dirty than my feet?"
Gully dwarf 2: "no forget I older than you."
Caramon left Solace on business, and asked Tanis to send him a word if anything went wrong.
A week later he received a note by carrier pigeon that said: "The man that comes to your house every night didn't come yesterday!"
Palin and Caramon are having a talk:
- Father, why does the sun rise in the east and set in the west?
- I don't know, my son.
- And why do sheep have wool and mules don't?
- I don't know.
- And why does the snow come in the winter and not the summer?
- I don't know.
- Father, I hope I don't bother you with all those questions.
- Not at all, my son, if you don't ask, how will you learn?
A man comes before a cleric of Paladin:
- I did it sixteen times last night, Oh Cleric.
- With whom?
- My wife.
- That's not a sin, why did you come to me?
- Cleric, sixteen times! I had to tell somebody.
Tanis and Laurana sit down to breakfast, still half-drunk from yester-night's ball.
"Tell me, dear," says Tanis. "Are you the one I made love to last night at the library?"
Laurana eyes him and replies: "around what time?"
A Palantian prostitute died and left all her money to the Great Library.
One scribe says: "is it right to use such money for our secret library?"
"What are you talking about, man?" Replies another. "This is our money!"
What's a gully cat?
Anyway you drop it, it falls on its head.
How do you get a gully dwarf out of the bath?
You pour water in it.
Two kender meet on a Tarsis marketplace.
"Hallo," says one. "I'm sure I met you somewhere."
"That's probable," agrees the other. "I've been there many times."
Dwarf 1: "Grak! I though you were dead!"
Dwarf 2 : "I've heard it too, but I knew at once it wasn't me."
A kender walks up to his human neighbor and asks: "did I retuned the shears you loaned me last week?"
"No, you didn't!" Replies the upset neighbor.
"So now what?" Mumbles the kender. "I wanted to borrow it again."
How do you break a gully dwarf's finger?
You punch his nose.
One day Tika took little Palin on a ride in the family wagon. On the way back home Palin asked: "Mother, where did all the idiots and horseasses go?"
"They are only on the road when your father is driving the wagon," replied Tika.
At the Kendermore City Hall, Toggie Finestart complains to the Mayor that Dells Lighthaze had stolen his pouch of colored marbles.
"I'll set things right in a jiffy," says the Mayor. He walks over to the other room, and returns with the pouch.
"What did Dells say?" Asks Toggie.
The Mayor replies: "why, he didn't even notice."
A husband and his wife go to the marketplace in Solace, and the man loses sight of his wife. As he runs through the stands, all sweaty and panting, he sees another man running in his direction, also sweaty and panting.
"Did you lose your wife, too?" Asks the first man.
"Yes, I did."
"What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, blonde, big breasts, wears a short dress," the second man replies. "What does your wife look like?"
"Oh, forget her," says the first one. "Let's look for yours."
A traveling mage stands in the marketplace and offers to sell a Potion of Long Life.
"Take me for instance," he says to the crowd. "I'm over 300 years old!"
One audience member whispers to the mage's apprentice: "is he really that old?"
"I don't know," replies the apprentice. "I've only been working for him about 150 years."
"So, you're home at last," says Tika as Caramon returns home before dawn.
Caramon replies: "That's the only place that's still open at this hour."
Sturm: "I hear the word 'idiot' over and over again. I hope you don't mean me."
Flint: "Of course not. Aren't there other idiots in the world, beside you?"
A man rents a room at an inn, but in the room next to him a group of kender are having a party with endless singing, laughter and yelling. The man starts banging angrily on the wall between the two rooms.
One of the kender opens the neighbor's door and says: "are you crazy, hanging pictures in the middle of the night?!"
A couple of Silvanesti elves are making love. Suddenly the husband asks his wife: "Did I hurt you?"
"No," says the wife. "Why do you ask?"
The husband replies: "I don't know, you moved!"
In Solace, the population stays the same for the last 50 years.
Whenever a child is born, one man runs away.
At the inn:
- Innkeeper, this soup is worse than the one I had here the day before yesterday.
- Couldn't be, sir. That's the same soup.
Child 1: "something really funny happened to my mother while she was in Haven."
Child 2: "but I thought you were born in Solace."
The Kingpriest of Istar came down with a weird illness. All the most capable clerics of Mishakal that examined him came to a conclusion, that only sex with a woman might save his life.
"Are you crazy?" Asked the Kingpriest.
"This is the only way, Your Holiness" the clerics replied.
"All right," said the Kingpriest. "But on three conditions: the woman must be blind, dumb and with large breasts."
The clerics said: "we can see why she should be blind - so she wouldn't know who she's with, and dumb - so she wouldn't be able to tell even if she found out. But why big breasted?"
The Kingpriest replied: "that's the way I like it."
The Lord Mayor of Balifor arrives at his office accompanied by a friend, and sees a large group of people waiting for him. He pauses there and tells them an ancient joke.
Once they are inside the chamber, the friend says: "the joke you told is very old."
"Yes," replies the Mayor. "I wanted to find out which of those people came to ask for a favor. Now I know - the ones who laughed."
The plates were flying again around the Majere household.
"Careful, woman!" Roars Caramon. "Don't wake the animal in me!"
"I'm not afraid of mice!" Replies Tika.
Sturm: "Tanis, did you forget you owe me ten pieces of silver?"
Tanis: "not yet. Give me some more time."
Sturm: "Tanis, this is the last time I remind you of the ten silver you owe me."
Tanis: "Oh, thank Paladin…"
The knight trained the squires in the use of bow and arrow. One in particular kept missing the bull's eye. The knight yells at him: "what's the matter? Where are your arrows going?"
"I don't know, Sir," replies the squire innocently. "They seem to leave the bow fine."
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