More Dragonlance Jokes
Caramon tells Tanis about his latest fight with Tika:
Caramon: And at the end of it she crawled up to me on her hands and knees…
Tanis: What did she say?
Caramon: "Get out from under the bed, you coward!"
Caramon: are you the master of your home?
Tanis: partially. Laurana commands over the kids, the servants, the horses, the dog, and I can boss the goldfish around undisturbed.
Palin: father, what's a monologue?
Caramon: it is a friendly chat between a man and his wife.
Caramon: don't you and Laurana ever fight?
Tanis: no. She does as she pleases, and I also do as she pleases.
A band of Solamnic knights were traveling near a village, and saw a boy leading a mule by the bridle. Being in a good mood and wanting to have a little fun, they called at him: "Why do you hold your brother, lad?"
"So he won't run off to become a Knight of Solamnia," the boy replied.
Captain of the guards: suppose you're on duty on a dark night. All of the sudden somebody comes up from behind you and puts long arms around you. What do you do?
Guard: I say: "Let's go, baby."
The doctor advises the dwarf to avoid drinking any more dwarven spirit.
"Not drinking will make your life longer," he says.
"You're right, doctor," replies the dwarf. "Once I found myself in the bottom of a gorge with no spirit for 24 full hours. It was the longest day of my life…"
Heard at a dark Palanthas alley:
- Pardon, sir, have you seen any of the city guards nearby?
- No, I haven't.
- In that case, hurry up and give me all your gold.
Caramon returns home after a night of drinking: "Hallo, Tika, I hurried back in case you're all alone, but now I see your twin sister has arrived."
A dwarf is invited to an elven party. The hostess offers him some grapes.
"No thanks," the dwarf grumbles. "I don't take wine in pills."
- Sir, would you donate 5 copper pieces for the buriel of a poor kender?
- Here, take 30 pieces and bury half a dozen.
Two Knights of Solamnia arrive at an inn. The innkipper shows them a filthy little room.
"How much do you demand for this pig sty?" One of the knights asks furiously.
"5 copper for one pig, 8 for two pigs," the innkipper relies.
At a party in Sancrist:
Knight: "do you know that ugly Knight of the Rose over there? That's the most pompous one in the order."
Lady: "do you know who I am? I'm that knight's daughter."
Knight: "and who am I?"
Lady: "I don't know."
Knight: "Thank Paladine…"
A young sailor from Argoth is tested by an old captain:
- What would you do if a storm broke out?
- I'd throw down the anchor.
- And if another storm came?
- I'd throw a second anchor.
- And what if a third storm broke out?
- I'd throw another anchor.
- Where would you take all those anchors?!
- The same place you take the storms.
A poor wanderer with his clothes in rags is brought before the Lord Mayor of Palanthas, who immediately notices the likeness to his own face.
"Have your mother lived in this city at one time or another, man?" He asks.
"No, my lord," the beggar replies. "But my father had been here once."
Two kender were camping out in the woods, and the mosquitos bothered them terribly. They fought them nearly all night. At last, one, who was very tired, fell asleep. Suddenly fireflies appeared in the camp site. The second kender nudged the sleeping one and yelled: "Wake up, the mosquitos are back with lanterns!"
Two kender lost their way on a dark night. At last they came upon a large stone by the roadside.
"We must be in a cemetery," one says. "Some guy names Miles from Balifor is burried here."
"And look!" Says the other. "He was 250 when he died."
Two dwarves came out of the inn and went swaying to their wagon.
"You take the reins," says one. "You're too drunk to sing."
The young lord returns from a long trip. The housekeeper meets him at the edge of the estate with an ill look on his face.
"What is it?" Asks the young lord. "Is something the matter?"
"Yes, sire. Your dog died."
"What happened to him?"
"Ate too much horse meat, sire."
"Why? Where did he get all that meat?"
"From the horses that died in the fire."
"A fire?! Did the house burn down?! When was that?!"
"The night of the burial, sire."
"Burial? Who died?"
"Your mother sire. She had a stroke once she heard your father killed himself."
"My father killed himself?! Why?!"
"Upon losing all him fortune, sire."
"Dear Gods!"
"Yes, sire. And the dog died."
Tanis: "how did you managed to quit drinking?"
Caramon: "well, when you come home and see your wives and 10 children looking at you, that will do it."
At an inn:
- Do the kender still slide down the banister?
- Yes, but we tide some spiky wire around it.
- Does it help?
- No, but it reduces the speed.
Why do elves have lots of poplars and dwarves have gems?
The elves got to choose first.
A kender was arrested and brought to the city jail.
"Can you read and write?" Asks the guard.
"I can write, but can't read," the kender replies.
"Here, write your name."
The kender takes the quill and draws huge letters on the scroll.
"What did you write here?" Asks the guard.
"I don't know. Told you I can't read."
Caramon: why are you so sad?
Tanis: I had a fight with Laurana, and she said she would not talk to me for a month.
Caramon: that's not something to be sad about!
Tanis: it is. The month is over tomorrow.
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