Even More Dragonlance Jokes!
I would like to recount for you the one and only time that I ever met Raistlin Majere.
It was many years ago when I was still a young man. I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking favourably on the Yuletide season. It was dark, cold, and wet as I was loading my wagon up with gifts that I bought for friends and family. It was then that I noticed that I was missing a particularly expensive present and was forced to retrace my steps, looking for the errant package. As I was searching, I heard a quiet sobbing. The sound was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 8 years old. He was short and thin and had a sickly palor. He had no coat and was wearing just a ragged tunic that barely protected him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a single silver coin. Thinking that he had gotten separated from his parents, I asked him what was wrong and he told me his sad story. He said that he came from a local family. He had a single brother - his twin - and a half-sister. His father was a woodcutter and his mother -. A sob cut his sentence short but he struggled to continue. His father, he said, was a hard worker and had somehow managed to skimp and save two silver pieces to buy Yuletide presents for his family. His father was away on a job, his brother was working on a farm, his sister was out of town and his mother was in poor health, so the job of buying all of their presents fell to him. He said he just stepped out into the street when an older boy grabbed one of his silver pieces and disappeared into the crowds.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked, disbelieving Fate's cruelty.
Meekly, the boy replied, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I gasped.
He only stared at the ground and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and quietly whispered, "Help me!"
I realised then that absolutely no one could have possibly heard that poor child's cry for help.
So I grabbed his remaining silver piece, ran back to my wagon and hurried home.
Silvara was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. Amazed, she asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are kender tales. I'm a one-wish genie. So, what'll it be?"
Silvara didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace between the Silvanesti and the Qualinesti nations. I want Humans and Elves to finally be rid of their petty prejudices and co-exist in harmony! I want the Thorbadin dwarves to embrace their Hill cousins. I want kender to be accepted members of society." She brought out a map of the known world and pointed, "I want all of these nations to be live in harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These people have been at war for centuries and I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five-hundred years. Don't get me wrong! I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
Silvara thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the cleaning, is great in bed, is faithful and doesn't mind that I'm really a dragon masquerading as a wilder elf. That's what I wish for - a good man."
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Okay, let's have a look at that bloody map again."
Two gnomes who worked together were both were laid off. They went to the Mt. Nevermind unemployment office to apply for welfare. When asked his occupation, the first gnome answered, "Knicker-Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies' undergarments."
The clerk looked up knicker-stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him 10 steel pieces a week unemployment pay.
The second gnome was asked his occupation.
"Diesel-fitter" he replied.
Since diesel-fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven 20 steel a week.
When the first gnome found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The Clerk patiently explained "Knicker-stitchers are unskilled and diesel-fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled the gnome, "I sew the elastic on the knickers, he puts them over his head and says: "Yah, diesel fitter."
Caramon was explaining to some of the Inn's workers about efficiency. "You just need to be careful about trying out these techniquest at home."
"Why?" asked one of the waitresses.
Caramon explained, "I watched Tika's routine at breakfast for years and I noticed that she made lots of trips between the pantry, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at one?'"
"Did it save time?" the waitress asked?
"Actually, yes," said Caramon, "It used to take her thirty minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
A visiting gnome was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 audience members raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 people raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 people raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 people raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One person, a gully dwarf, in the back of the room raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes a step back, and says, "In all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The gully dwarf replies with a nod and wends his way through the audience up to the podium.
The gnome says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."
The gully dwarf replies, "Ghost?!? Me hear 'goats'"
Discovering the students making faces at each other on the school grounds, Master Theobald stopped to scold the children. Looking down his nose at them he said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
Raistlin, in an off handed manner replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't warned."
Palin was talking with one of his classmates. "I've found an easy way to make money" his classmate said.
"Really? How?" Palin asks.
"It's simple." his friend replied, "You go to your Dad and say 'Dad, I know the truth'. He'll give you money right then and there."
Palin was doubtful. He approached Caramon and said, "Dad! I know the truth."
"Oh no!" Said Caramon, "Please don't tell your mother anything. Here's 10 pieces of steel"
Palin is beside himself and decides to do the same to his mother. "Mum I know the truth"
"Oh no, son! Please don't tell your father. Here's 20 steel pieces."
At this point Palin is ecstatic and decides that he'll try this trick with everyone!
Just then Tanis walks by and Palin calls to him, "I know the truth!"
Astonished, the Tanis says, "Really? Well, you had to find out some time. Come and give your father a hug".
Dalamar is going through the rooms of the tower when he realises that he still had Conundrum and Tasslehoff locked up. He finds the gnome sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half and the kender is hanging by his feet from the ceiling. Dalamar asks Conundrum just what he thought he was doing. To which he replies, "Isn't it obvious? I'm sawing this piece of wood."
Dalamar then asks why Tasslehoff is hanging from the ceiling. The gnome smiles and says, "He's my friend, but he's completely bonkers. He thinks he's a lantern!"
The dark elf noticing the kender's face is turning red says to gnome, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What?" the shocked gnome replies. "And saw in the dark?"
In kindergarten, Caramon told his teacher about how he found a dead cat.
"How did you know It was dead?" she asked.
"Because I pissed in its ear, but it didn't move," said Caramon innocently.
"You did what?" the teacher squealed in surprise.
"You know," explains the boy, "I leaned over and went 'psst' in its ear, but it didn't move."
During a gathering of the Dragon Highlords, Verminaard approached Kitiara and flatly announced to her, "Skie is dead."
"What do you mean?!" she yelled.
"I do not jest," He said sternly, "You mount lies dead on the steps of this temple."
"But how?" she asked, still unbelieving.
"I believe," he said, "your mount was killed by Fewmaster Toede."
"What?" Kitiara was shocked, to say the least. "Was that sniveling worm armed with a dragon lance or was he perhaps concealing a talent for sorcery?"
"No," Verminaar shook his head, "It was just plain Toede."
"Explain then," Kit argued, "How that simpleton could best one of the most majestic creatures of Krynn?"
Verminaard coughed, "He got stuck in your dragon's throat."
A large group of Silvanesti are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One of Mina's Knights is better than ten Silvanesti elves!" The elven commander quickly sends ten of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a fierce battle breaks out, continues for a few minutes and then silence.
The voice then calls out, "One of Mina's Knights is better than one hundred elves!"
Furious, the Silvanesti commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again, "One knight of Neraka is better than one thousand Silvanesti mongrels!"
The enraged Silvanesti commander musters one thousand warriors and sends them across the dune. War cries are yelled, arrows fly, and weapons clash as a huge battle is fought and then, as before: silence.
Eventually one wounded Silvanesti soldier crawls back over the dune and with his dying breath tells his commander, "Don't send any more men! It's a trap! There . . . are . . . TWO of them!"
Porthios was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Promise to fulfill my last request, Alhana," he asked.
"Of course, Porthios," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Sturm."
"But I thought you hated Sturm," she said.
With his dying breath, Porthios said, "I do!"
Tanis made the long journey to the tower of sorcery to meet with Par-Salian. He wanted to ask the old mage if could possibly remove a "curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The wizard scratched his chin thoughtfully and said, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
Tanis without hesitation says, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
"Tanis," Caramon said sounding extremely distraught, "Something terrible is happening and I need to talk to someone about it."
Tanis was extremely concerned; he had never before seen his friend in such a state. "What's wrong?" he asked.
Caramon shook his head and said, "Tika's trying to poison me!"
Tanis, very surprised by this unexpected turn of events asks, "How can that be?"
Caramon pleads, "I'm telling you the truth! I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The half-elf tried to console the big human. "Tell you what," he said, "Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later they met again. "Well?" Caramon asked anxiously, "What news?"
Tanis put his hand on Caramon's. "I spoke to Tika. We met and talked on three separate occasions. At least three hours each meeting. Would you hear my adivce?"
Caramon anxiously announced, "Yes, Yes!"
"Take the poison!"
Caramon was getting on in years. One day Tanis, he and his wife to dinner one evening. Tanis was impressed by the way his old friend preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as Honey, My love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin etc. The couple had been married many, many years now and clearly were still very much in love.
When the two friends had a moment alone, Tanis leaned over and said to Caramon, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those love pet names."
Caramon hung his head and sighed, "I have to tell you the truth Tanis," he said, "I forgot the bitch's name ten years ago.
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