Even More Dragonlance Jokes!
A dwarf to his wife: "you remind me of a mighty ship."
The wife: "really?"
The dwarf: "yes, whenever I get on you I get sick."
Caramon: "well, Sturm, you promised to be a good little boy, haven't you?"
Sturm: "yes, Father."
Caramon: "and I promised to spank you if you weren't, didn't I?"
Sturm: "yes, Father, but since I didn't keep my promise, don't feel obligated to keep yours."
During a family dinner, Gilthas asks Tanis: "Father, how does a war start?"
"Suppose Argoth gets in a dispute with Kalaman," Tanis begins, but Laurana interferes, "Argoth has no business getting in a dispute with Kalaman."
Tanis: "I know that, that's an example."
Laurana: "it's a stupid example!"
Tanis: "and I suppose you know best?!"
Gilthas eyes both his parents and says, "Mother, Father, it's alright, I now know how a war starts."
A young dwarf: "Father, why does the sun rises at the east and sets in the west?"
Father dwarf: "son, if it works – don't touch it."
Gullydwarf 1: "Me writing a letter to my sister."
Gullydwarf 2: "You can't write!"
Gullydwarf 1: "That's ok. She can't read."
Kender 1: "I'm writing a letter to my grandfather in Kendermore."
Kender 2: "Why are you making the letters so big?"
Kender 1: "My grandfather is a little deaf."
A mercenary of the dragonarmies is caught and brought before a Solamnic general. The general looks at the poorly-dressed mercenary and says, "you miserable being, what are you fighting for?"
"For money, my lord," replies the mercenary.
"Money?" The general says, disgusted. "That's not a reason to fight."
"Forgive me, my lord," says the mercenary. "But what are you fighting for?"
"I'm fighting for honor!" Replies the general proudly.
The mercenary looks at him and mumbles, "well, we each fight for what we lack."
A supervisor is sent to Solace Elementary School to inspect the standard of the pupils' knowledge. He turns to one of the pupils and asks, "can you tell me who threw the Fiery Mountain on Istar?"
The boy turns pale and replies, "it wasn't me, sir, honest!"
The supervisor asks the teacher, "what is that suppose to mean? I asked this child who threw the Fiery Mountain on Istar, and he says it wasn't him!"
"He's a good boy, sir," replies the teacher. "If he said it wasn't him, than that's probably true."
The furious supervisor goes to the headmaster and starts shouting, "what kind of a school are you running here?! I asked a child who threw the Fiery Mountain on Istar, and he said it wasn't him. I asked the teacher, and she said it was true that the child didn't do it!"
"Leave it alone," replies the headmaster. "Just tell me how much the damage cost and I'll pay it."
A traveler encounters a kender on the crossroads and asks her how to reach a certain town.
"My map ends at this point," the kender replies. "But it's about three inches to the north and two inches to the east."
A cleric of Paladine is giving a sermon. During it he turns angrily to one of the flock and asks, "why are half the people here yawning?!"
"Because they haven't fallen asleep yet," replies the man.
A kender was brought before the Lord Mayor of Balifor on charges of stealing a bottle of ale. After much debating, the mayor says he has to let the kender go free, on basis of lack of evidence.
"Thanks, Mayor!" Says the kender. "And by the way, can I keep the bottle?"
The judge: "I'm sentencing you to three years imprisonment. Do you have anything to add?"
The accused: "no, Your Honor, three years are quite enough."
A kender returned from a trip to Silvanesti. His neighbors ask him if he had any trouble with his elven there.
"No," he replies. "But the elves did."
An elf: "how old are you?"
A kender: "I don't know. It changes all the time."
A soldier comes to enlist to the city guard. During the filling of the necessary forms, the captain asks, "married? With children?"
"No," replies the newcomer. "Married with a wife."
Kender 1: "where did you get this lump on your head?"
Kender 2: "you see this tree?"
Kender 1: "yes."
Kender 2: "I didn't."
An elven guest at the inn calls the serving wench over.
"There's a piece of wood in that salad!" He says.
"Is it on the menu?" Asks the wench.
"No, it isn't!"
"Then don't eat it."
In Kendermore there were two neighboring villages: Twilight and Bluecorn. A traveling adventurer asked one of the local residents why the sign at Twilight says "Blucorn: 3 miles", and the sign at Bluecorn says "Twilight: 2.5 miles".
"Well, you see," explains the resident. "From Bluecorn to Twilight it's all downhill."
At an adventurers' campsite:
- Say, Findan, do you have a good memory for faces?
- Yes, I do.
- So it isn't so bad that I broke your shaving mirror, is it?
During one of their travels, The Companions reached a crossroads and didn't know which way they should go. Everybody said that they should turn east, but Tasslehoff said that west was the way to go because he had taken that course before. The others had no reply for that, and so they went west, and, just as sure, got completely lost.
As they turned angrily to Tasslehoff, he recalled, "yes, the last time I took that west path, and it was the wrong way, too."
One knight of Takhisis tells another, "you know, those knights of Solamnia can't find their way in the dark."
"How do you know?"
"Last night two of them reached our front post, and in order to find their way back, they took four of our men with them."
In Balifor, a man was brought to justice before the Lord Mayor.
"Do you have anything in your defense?" Asks the mayor.
"No, my lord," replies the accused. "The guards took my sword and knife."
Kender 1: "he told me that you told him the secret I told you not to tell him."
Kender 2: "dear me, but I told him not to tell you I told him!"
Kender 1: "oh well. At least don't tell him I told you that he told me."
A dwarf enters a barbershop.
The barber: "if I shave your beard, nobody will recognize you."
The dwarf: "nor you."
Tanis: "tell me the truth, Kitiara, how many men have you had before me?"
A long pause.
Tanis: "are you offended?"
Kitiara: "no, I'm counting."
Two kender meet at the city jail. One of them asks, "what are you in for?"
"Nothing," replies the second.
"Really?"
"Yes. I found a purse and there was nothing in it."
Caramon, to one of the customers at his inn: "what does your wife say about you coming home late every night?"
Customer: "I'm not married."
Caramon: "then why the hell are you doing here every evening?!"
Elf: "I have terrible insomnia."
Dwarf: "try drinking a bottle of ale before you go to bed."
Elf: "and what if that doesn't work?"
Dwarf: "drink another bottle."
Elf: "and if I still won't fall asleep?"
Dwarf: "by then you wouldn't care."
An elderly dwarven lady enters the Inn of the Last Home, wanders up to the bar and asks for a Scotch with two drops of water. As Caramon gives her the drink she says, "I'm on my way home to celebrate my 200th birthday, and it's today."
Caramon says, "well, since it's your birthday, this one is on me."
As the dwarf finishes her drink, the lady to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too,"
The elderly dwarven matron says, "why, thank you. Innkeeper, I would like a scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says Caramon.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one also." The dwarf says, "Thank you... Inkeeper, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up", Caramon says. As he gives her the drink he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The 200-year-old dwarf replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
A farmer hires a kender to help out on the farm. Early the next day, before the sun comes up, the farmer arrives to wake his new worker.
"We have to go down to the field," says the farmer.
"Is that your field?" Asks the sleepy kender.
"Of course it is!"
"Then why in the abyss do we have to sneak there in the dark?"
While riding one day a wandering adventurer met a barbarian riding a horse along with a dog and a sheep, and began a conversation.
Adventurer: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Barbarian: "Dog no talk."
Advanturer: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Barbarian: Look of shock.
Advanturer: "Is this barbarian your owner?"
Dog: "Yep"
Adventurer: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Barbarian: Look of total disbelief.
Adventurer: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Barbarian: "Horse no talk."
Adventurer: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Barbarian: Extreme look of shock.
Adventurer: "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep"
Adventurer: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Barbarian: Total look of utter amazement.
Adventurer: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Barbarian: "Sheep liar."
Caramon is on his death-bed with his family and loved ones hiding their tears around him.
Suddenly Caramon raises his head, "Tika, are you here?"
"Yes, dear, I'm here," says Tika.
"Desra, are you here?"
"Yes, Father, I'm here."
"Laura, where are you?"
"Here, Father."
"Palin, where are you?"
"I'm here, Father."
Caramon looks around and yells, "who the hell is working the Inn, then?!"
Basalt and Tyre, a couple of dwarves, were married for many years and had ten children. At long last it was Tyre's time to die, and as his wife held his hand on his death-bed, he turned to her and asked, "my darling, you had been the love of my life, a devoted wife and mother. But there is something I need to know. Slate, our youngest, doesn't look like all our other children. Now, as I'm about to die, please tell me the truth: is he really my son?"
Basalt sighed and replied, "now when you're dying I can't lie to you anymore. The truth is, only Slate is your son."
Young Banil comes into the local temple of Paladin to confess before the cleric.
"I have sinned, Oh Cleric, with a girl from town whose morals are low," he says.
"This is serious," says the cleric. "In order to repent you are not allowed to come to the services in the temple for two weeks. Now tell me who the girl is, so I can pray that she too will be forgiven."
"I can't do that, Cleric."
"Is it Lini, the baker's daughter?"
"I can't say."
"Is it Faula, the barmaid?"
"I can't say, really."
"Is it Juani, the shoemaker's younger sister?"
"I can't tell her name."
"Is it Lorasa, the candle-maker?"
"Please, don't ask me."
"Is it Tona, the hebelist?"
"Please, Cleric, I can't give you her name. Don't ask me anymore."
Outside the temple, Banil's friend awaits him. "So what did you get?" asks the friend.
"Two weeks off and five good leads," replies Banil.
Two dwarves sit at a bar:
- Why are you drinking the ale through a straw?
- The doctor told me I should stay away from booze.
A couple of drunk dwarves come swaying out of a bar.
"Hey," says one. "What's that smell?"
A city guard that passes nearby replies, "this, my friend, is called fresh air."
A couple of wandering kender from Kendermore come to visit Hylo. After having a few drinks, they walk the main street and one of them looks up.
"The sun is beautiful," he says.
"That's not the sun, that's the moon Solinari," says the other.
They argue about this matter for a while, and then decide they'd let a passerby settle the question.
"Excuse me," says one to a kender gentleman that walks by them. "Is that thing above us the sun or the moon Solinari?"
"How should I know?" Grumbles the passerby. "I'm not from around here."
Little Palin: "Mom, I'm going outside to play."
Tika: "with those dirty ears?"
Little Palin: "no, with my friends."
A Knight of the Rose has gone duck hunting in a rural area. On one of his first attempts he shot down a duck with his arrow, and as he went get it he realized it had fallen into a fenced field. As the knight climbed over the fence, an old dwarf appeared, carrying a rake.
"I have shot a duck down and it landed in this field," said the knight.
"I'm going to retrieve it."
"This is my property and you are not coming over here," replied the dwarf farmer.
The knight held his head up and said, "I am a very respected Knight of Solamnia. If you do not let me get my duck, I will bring you before our tribunal by sunset and have your farm and everything you own confiscated."
The old dwarf smiled and said, "apparently, you don't know how we do things around here. We can settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
"And what is that?" Asked the knight.
The farmer explained, "well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The knight quickly thought the proposed contest and decided that he could easily beat the old, white-haired dwarf. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly approached the knight. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the knight's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearlly tore the man's nose off his face. The knight was flat on his stomach when the farmer's third kick to his kidney nearly caused the knight to give up.
The knight summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "fine, you old coot, now it's my turn."
The old dwarf smiled. "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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