Retark Remembered: An Exposé
Retark reclines in a deep plush chair and his thinning salt-and-pepper hair, meticulously combed, falls out of place. He unconsciously sweeps it out of his eyes, his honest mouth widening into an ironic smile as he recalls his youth.
"It certainly was interesting," Retark said.
Interesting? One could almost forget the instant rise to stardom, the juicy rumors of multiple dates with several glitzy supermodels in one same night, and the millions of dollars spent to accommodate the superstar lifestyle—including his own paté chef!
"Very interesting," Retark admits, chuckling in his trademark deep, sonorous voice – pure gold for any '50s doowop band—that had millions of teenage girls swooning in the early '80s after the publication of 'Dragons of Autumn Twilight.'
Yes, it was very interesting. After being published in Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman's 'Dragons of Autumn Twilight' (pg. 7), Retark enjoyed such a cult following that, by popular demand, he received brief appearances and cameos in the Chronicles Collectors edition, both paperback and hardback, the Chronicles Annotated edition, and the recent 'Dragons of Autumn Twilight' reprint with different cover art.
And what launched this sleeper sensation's career into orbit?
"It all started at a carwash," Retark said. "I was working at the local 76 Gas Station, after my brief stint at Alicia's Bodice Shop in Utah, back in the late 70's, when I met Tracy Hickman. He had been working on a project lately, something called Ravenloft. He immediately recognized my talent, impressed with his streak-free windows, and I gave him my phone number."
But Tracy never called Retark. In fact, years went by and still Retark toiled as a lowly gas station attendant for years, his talent unappreciated and missed by his yet to be fans.
And then, a sudden breakthrough.
"I was going through Hickman's trash and I found his credit card number," Retark smiled. "Using several methods, many of which were a little …"—Retark pauses, innocently grinning—"illegal, I eventually hooked up with him. After a little misunderstanding with the police and some mysterious adult telephone services charges to Hickman's Visa (Hey, gas station attendants get lonely too), I was able to corner Hickman and pressure him into giving me a part in one of his new projects."
Retark reflects, his eyes gazing up at the ceiling. He lowers them, staring straight ahead.
"I told him that we could make something historic, something that would be remembered and treasured by millions," Retark whispered.
Hickman relented, and Retark proved to be right.
'Dragons of Autumn Twilight' flew off the shelves. Royalty checks were sent to Retark faster than he could open them, and he grew overwhelmed. The media turned its attention to this new wunderkind, and Retark was in every paper.
But some criticize Retark, saying that he couldn't handle the newfound fame.
"Retark was the nicest guy you could ever meet," said Christopher Johnson, Retark's agent of 10 years. "He really was. But then he started spending his money, and partying, and dating women, and he just flew apart. He couldn't handle it, and he just became a loser."
Rumors of coke and heroin addiction, as well as being arrested for prostitution, swirled around Retark's character. The media immediately turned on him, and he succumbed to depression.
"I just couldn't handle it," Retark admits. "I was getting millions, but I spent it like it was nothing. I bought cars and houses, booze and coke. I really had my own paté chef."
After investing most of his money in a shaky stock trading company, and subsequently losing it, Retark hit rock bottom.
"I honestly wanted to kill myself," Retark said. "I didn't want to live. No one would give me a second chance."
Retark turned to Weis and Hickman for a second chance, and the pleading turned to accusations.
Allegedly, Weis and Hickman promised Retark a bigger part in 'Dragons of Autumn Twilight', as well as appearances in the sequels. However, due to rewrites, and miscommunication problems, as Hickman and Weis claimed, Retark's formerly substantial part was reduced to a small, yet pivotal role.
Retark claimed that he was promised a larger part, as well as a larger salary. However, due to his eagerness, he overlooked his diminished role.
But he never forgave Weis and Hickman for his absence in the rest of the Chronicles.
"I did a lot for them," recalls Retark with a choked sob. "I helped them out, I did so much, and yet they repaid me with a big fat zero."
Apparently, Weis' has no love lost on Retark.
"Weis did very hard to accommodate Retark's outrageous demands," said Ekoj Gib, Weis' representative. "However, Retark was a inferior actor and his part was diminished. It was all very legal."
Hickman could not be reached for comment.
However, Retark's prospects brightened with Chris Pierson approached him about a future Dragonlance project.
"Pierson called me up and wanted me to help him with a project about Caramon's daughter, Dezra," Retark said. "We talked, and we had this wonderful chemistry from just a thirty minute phone call, and we decided to sit down together and talk more."
Retark's comeback in "Dezra's Quest" was subtle and tasteful, almost to the point of absent-minded. Yet avid Dragonlance readers recognized Retark with pleasure. And the former teenage girls who plastered Retark posters on their walls, now in their mid-twenties, were reminded of their childhood by Pierson's nostalgic mood.
Pierson was just as enthusiastic with Retark's appearance in "Dezra's Quest," (pg. 35).
"For many, Retark is a recognizable Dragonlance icon," Pierson said. "He is, for some, the epitome of Dragonlance. He is just a wonderful, talented actor. I believe Tracy and Margaret recognized his talent, and I feel honored to be able to work with him. I don't want to spoil any surprises for people who haven't read the book, but let's just say Retark's role is a little surprise."
With Retark's acting career back on track, he once again felt the attention and fame that he experienced almost twenty years ago.
"Let's just say it was a little scary," Retark said. Still, he continued on, approving of the Annotated Chronicles project, as well as the Chronicles reprint.
"I liked the Annotated Chronicles project, and I'm currently working on a few more – I can't talk about them though, legal agreements and all that," Retark winked.
And so, Retark leans back in his chair, his body softening a little in posterity, though his signature smile and cool blue eyes still intact.
Perhaps we'll see more of Retark, that gas-station attendant turned superstar. Perhaps he'll make us laugh, make us cry as he once did.
But we shouldn't forget our original tears, the first time we let Retark into our hearts.
He's a piece of our youth.
A piece of ourselves.
Dragonlance Underground is owned and operated by Mages of the Plains.
Dragonlance is a registered trademark of Wizards of the Coast, Inc. All contents are copyright of their respective owners. Please refer to our Legal Page.