Twisted History (First Round)
Well hello there friend. I see you've found yourself at the Inn of the Next to Last Home again. Pull up a barstool and tell Raisted what you are looking to find. Hurry now, ‘fore yon tender brings me my tab.
You say you are looking for the Great Library? You wish to learn about the history of Krynn? Then why good friend, why to see Astinus? Oh sure, he's got his ways. He sees a great number of things that occur. I tell you this however; you'll not get the straight truth from old Asti. I, Raisted, know the real truth. For you see, the hard working Ansalonians that frequent this bar, they talk to me, and I listen. And I've been here for some time. Now get comfortable, and I will tell you all you need to know about the history of Krynn.
The Age of Starbirth
Basically the Age of Starbirth was pretty boring. First there was Chaos. And just Chaos. Now if you ask me, that seems to be an oxymoron. Chaos with nothing to chaoticize. Of course "chaoticize" is a real word, now stop interrupting. Eventually chaps like Paladine, Takhisis, and Reorx show up. Reorx thumps Chaos on the head with a big celestial hammer and boom! There's Krynn. They make some dragons; Takhisis has a better dental plan so they all join her camp. Paladine is a little pissed so he makes his own dragons. Of course one dragon insults another dragon's mother and a fight breaks out. The gods give up on the pesky lizards and make Elves, Ogres, and Humans. Now the fun really starts. Mortals like to catalogue things for posterity, so they come up with years, months, calendars… you get the idea.
The Age of Dreams
Most of the major players are in the game now. Ogres play the bad guys, elves play the good guys, and humans die quickly so no one cares. All the dates are referenced as PC for pre-cataclysm. I'm guessing their calendars didn't say Pre-Cataclysm on them, but you never know.
| 9000-8500PC: | The races stake out their homelands. Ogres to the mountains. Elves to the forests. Humans head for the bars.
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| 8500-5000PC: | The Ogre Empire thrives thanks to human slaves. Humans are still waiting on 4000 years of back pay.
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| 8700PC: | Reorx chooses a group of humans to take north and teach his craft. Macaroni art floods the market.
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| 6320-5980PC: | The Ogre Igraine decides that the ogre way of life is wrong. Humans agree and revolt. Some follow Igraine and the Irda are formed. Don't worry ogre fans, the Irda do very little until they nuke themselves into oblivion a few millennia later.
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| 5000-3000PC: | Elves decide to claim chromatic dragon lands as their homes. I would have rather moved to Jersey than piss off chromatic dragons.
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| 4000PC: | Silvanos prepares for war against the dragons. Reorx turns his favored humans into gnomes for being too proud. The Ogres end up as regular guests on Jerry Springer.
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| 3500-3350PC: | The first dragon war ends up with the gods of magic creating Dragon Stones and helping the elves win. The gods of magic spend the rest of eternity in the penalty box. |
Here, the history gets a little frantic. Thanks in whole to the Graygem. I don't know why this bland little stone caused so much trouble. I used it for a paperweight for some time, the only problem being a smudged power bill once. To summarize: Hiddukel tricks Reorx into encasing our old friend Chaos in the Graygem. Lunitari gets to hold onto the stone, the gnomes steal it, the stone decides it's tired of being caught and runs amuck on Krynn. That causes some wicked mojo. Gargath decides he can handle the stone, which is when all hell breaks loose. Dwarves, Kender, Minotaurs, Goblins, and all the other races are formed by the power of the Graygem. No one can get a table at Spago.
| 2800PC: | The Kender hero and friend of Silvanos, Balif, founds the first Kender city of Balifor. Dozens of locksmiths go out of business.
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| 2710PC: | The dwarves discover the Dragon Stones. The dwarves throw the stones up to the surface, where they won't cause any problems.
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| 2690-2645PC: | Another dragon war. Magic once again wins the battle and once again those crazy mages go a little too far. Thousands of people end up with rabbits in their hats. Mages are hunted as criminals, while the three most powerful wizards hide out in the Lost Citadel, which reportedly gets free cable. Lucky bastards.
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| 2645-2550PC: | The Orders of Magic and the Towers of High Sorcery are founded to provide regulation to magic. Now where's the fun in that? The dwarves seal Thorin for causing the Second Dragon War. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, all the good parking spots are in Thorin.
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| 2515PC: | Silvanos kicks the proverbial bucket. But hey, he already has the elven capital named after him, so I don't feel too bad for him.
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| 2500-2200PC: | The humans make Ergoth a center of culture. That means a Starbucks on every corner. Gully Dwarves emerge and revolutionize math as we know it.
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| 2308PC: | Twin elven princes, Sithas and Kith-Kanan, are born. Sithas is immediately jealous that Kith gets a hyphen in his name.
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| 2192-2073PC: | Humans accidentally kill the elven speaker, Sithas puts the smackdown on the humans, Kith-Kanan asks everybody to just please get along, and the dwarves keep digging. Kith-Kanan decides those loyal to Sithas are just too uppity and his crew secedes. Then they all sign the Swordsheath scroll and everybody is suddenly friendly again. I don't know, watch the Kinslayer War miniseries to get the all the details.
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| 2072PC: | The Dwarves forge what is latter known as the Hammer of Kharas to pass around to all the races as a symbol of peace. A nice plaque would have sufficed.
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| 2000-1900PC: | The great fortress of Pax Tharkas is erected as another symbol of peace. Lets see, first a hammer, then a fortress… Sounds like peace to me!
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| 1812-1775PC: | Vinas Solamnus is made Praetor of a very unstable Ergoth. He ends up joining a rebellion and leading them to independence. Vinas then decides that after leading a rebellion, forming an order based on honor and truth is a good idea. Thus the Knights of Solamnia are born. Facial hair finally comes into style.
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| 1750-1300PC: | The nations of Sancrist, Solamnia, and Istar are formed. Everyone moves to the suburbs.
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| 1399-1010PC: | Takhisis plants dragon eggs in Thorbardin. The dwarves sell them to merchants to spread them around the world until they hatch and wreak havoc on the world. Chalk another Dragon War up to the Dwarves. Way to go guys. With the help of Dragonlances, Dragon Orbs, and Huma Dragonbane, the Dark Queen and her dragons are banished from Krynn once again. Dragonlances are so impressive, TSR names an entire product line after them. |
The Age of Might
This age could really be called the Age of Istar. Istar, Istar, Istar, that's all we heard about in this era. Istar gets so full of themselves, they decide to be the center of everything, even religion. This is where the Kingpriest comes in. For the record, there were many different Kingpriests during the reign of Istar's dominance. I knew a guy who roomed with the third Kingpriest, Steve something or other, in college. Turns out that the future head of the church had one hell of a porn collection back in the day.
| 1000PC: | The Kender land of Hylo allies with Solamnia. Soon every pouch in Kenderhome has a mustache comb in it.
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| 1000-800PC: | Istar emerges from the Third Dragon War unscathed, and soon becomes the most powerful nation. The mayor changes every city limit sign to say "We're Number One!"
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| 980-948PC: | The Dwarves do stuff, mostly dig in the ground. Some decide to dig above ground. These "daylight dwarves" are heartily mocked and heckled.
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| 940PC: | The two elven nations grow more isolated. They don't even get restaurant menus hung on their doors anymore.
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| 910-825PC: | Ogres attack the dwarves. The dwarves run to Solamnia for help like little schoolgirls.
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| 850-727PC: | The Kender are angered at taxation without representation by Istar. I have no idea who in Istar was going to audit the contents of all those pouches anyway.
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| 673-630PC: | Istar and the elves get in a tiff over trading. Istar ends up signing the Swordsheath scroll. The elves then trade a Huma Dragonbane rookie card for a Vinas Solamnus 3-D action card.
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| 530-522PC: | To help end ogre raids, the Dwarves sign a trade treaty with Istar. Istar gets some very pretty rocks out of the deal.
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| 490-280PC: | After the Knights beat down the barbarian raiders, there is no one left to fight. Istar becomes the center of everything and rules Ansalon for nearly 200 years in peace. Everyone is bored out of their minds.
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| 280PC: | Istar claims to be the moral center of the world. The first Kingpriest is installed. The fiery mountain waits in anticipation.
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| 260-212PC: | The greatest artisans and architects from around the world build the seven-spired Temple of Istar. They leave off the eighth spire so that there is room for the satellite dish.
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| 250-100PC: | Istar begins to repress those that disagree with them. When you're right, you're right.
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| 118PC: | The Kingpriest issues the Proclamation of Manifest Virtue, which states that any evil act is punishable by death. Around the world, thousands of teenagers realize that masturbation will lead to worse than hairy palms and blindness.
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| 94PC: | The Kingpriest orders extermination of all the races he deems as evil. Lawyers are the first to go.
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| 80-20PC: | Wizards are hunted as criminals. Except Fistandantilus, he gets a corner office and a secretary in the Temple… Uh… hello?
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| 41PC: | The Kingpriest plots his ascension to godhood. The gods meanwhile look forward to life at Valhella Acres: Senior Deity Retirement Village.
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| 19PC: | The siege of the Towers of High Sorcery leads to two towers' destruction. The Kingpriest exiles mages but claims Istar's tower. The tower at Palanthas is cursed and abandoned. Over 300 years later The Master of Past and Present receives one hell of a past-due rent bill.
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| 6PC: | The Kingpriest issues the Edict of Thought Control: Evil thoughts equal Evil deeds. This also marks the last of the Revered Sons and Daughters Co-Ed showering facilities.
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| 1PC: | The Kingpriest prepares for his big promotion to godhood. The gods call the true clerics home. The clerics are disturbed to find that "home" is a trailer park outside of Kenderhome.
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| 1PC: | Lord Soth, given the chance to prevent the impending Cataclysm, refuses. Soth is heard to exclaim, "I did it all for the nookie!"
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| 0: | The Big C. The Cataclysm. Its what the y2k bug wanted to be, with a little extra fiery mountain thrown in for good measure. |
Speaking of Fiery Mountain, the bartender here makes a tasty little drink of the same name. Watch you don't singe your eyebrows when you drink it. Now my friend, I must pause my little history lesson. I must visit the little mages room, and "cast a few spells out of my staff of magius" if you know what I mean. Keep my barstool warm and order another round, we'll continue this when I return…
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