Dragonlance Underground: Twisted History (Second Round)

Twisted History (Second Round)

By Raisted

Well hello again, friend. Glad to see you are still here. Sorry for the delay, the line for the bathroom was huge, but just this once I'll spare you the infamous Stinking Cloud joke.

Now, let me see. Where were we? Oh yes, the true history of Krynn. The gods had just bounced the Kingpriest and plunged Istar to the bottom of the world's largest toilet. Soth gets his first potting of the afterlife, and I never get another decent shot of Istarian brandy. We rejoin the river of time at the harbor known as the Age of Despair. I never liked the name of this Age. It all sounds so weepy. Boo hoo, no more Istar, no more Kingpriest, no more gods. Cry me a bloody river. Wankers. Anyway, all these dates are referenced AC, as in After Cataclysm. The genius of calendar makers once again shows evident.

The Age of Despair (weep weep)

After the little incident with the Mountain, everyone on Krynn was a little edgy. All the races blamed each other for the chaos and destruction. It's all fairly trite. Most people really enjoy this period of Krynnish lore, as we are first introduced to a whole group of "heroes" and of course, once again the Dark Queen decides to knit a nice sweater until she finds that she has no skill for it. So she tries to take over the world. Again. No one ever said she was the god of Originality. Lets get to it then.

1-300AC: This period was known as the Shadow Years. The Knights were persecuted and blamed. Facial hair goes out of style. The Seeker movement begins, and televangelism is invented. Without televisions, of course.

3-140AC: Takhisis locates the Temple of Istar. That happens in 3AC. The other 137 years she spends trying to get the air conditioning to work.

39AC: The Dwarfgate War starts when the dwarves of Thorbardin decide they will not share their stash of granola bars with the humans and hill dwarves. This starts a ruckus, ending when Fistandantilus, err Raistlin, I mean Fistlin nukes them all to nothing more than Skullcap gift shop souvenirs.

141AC: Tacky uses the Foundation Stone from the Temple of Istar to make a gateway to Krynn. I would have used the front door myself.

142-152AC: Takhisis travels Krynn, waking the chromatic dragons. They all respond with "Aw mom, just ten more minutes!"

157AC: Berem stumbles upon the Foundation Stone, closing the gateway to the Abyss and getting a really sweet gem stuck in his chest in the process. Tacky decides to post guards at her only entrance into the world next time she tries to take over.

203AC: Flint Fireforge is born. History remembers him as the most unmocked and thus most forgettable companion. There are many "important" births listed in this period of time. I have yet to find anyone who cares.

249AC: Tanis Bi-Sexual is born. Just for the record, not all half-elves are beard-toting nymphomaniac whiners. No, I lied. They are.

271AC: Lauranalanthalasa comes crying into the world. She doesn't stop crying for a few hundred years.

287AC: The chromatic dragons steal the eggs of the good dragons. I still cannot imagine a large red wyrm sneaking into a lair and snatching eggs without being noticed. "Ooh, what's that?" "What's what? Is there something behind the large red dragon stealing our kids?"

296AC: The dragons of good pledge not to join the upcoming war if Takhisis does not hurt their eggs. Valerie Bertinellus stars in the Lifetime Special, “Not Without My Dragon Eggs”. Meanwhile, fight promoters worry that with only one side having dragons, DRAGON WAR IV might have to be renamed.

313-332AC: The rest of those Heroes of the Lance are born. Yay.

332-340AC: Dragon Highlords begin leading the dragonarmies. Which are probably why they are not called Hobgoblin Lords.

337AC: Evil seeps from the Foundation Stone corrupting the surrounding lands. It's like Amway, but not quite as evil.

341AC: Neraka offers an alliance with the neighboring lands. In exchange, the neighboring lands get to not die.

342AC: Draconians are created from magically corrupted metallic dragon eggs. It took many tries to perfect the process. The first attempts left horrors of nature, like Poison, Warrant, and all the other hair bands of the 80's.

343-347AC: The armies of the Dark Queen train. Every store sells out of Tae-Bo tapes.

344AC: Steel Brightblade, proud son of Sturm and Kitiara, is born. I still wake up screaming at night knowing that Sturm actually got laid.

346AC: The companions part ways, supposedly to search for any sign of the old gods. Tanis searches every brothel from Solace to Icewall.

348AC: The War of the Lance begins. Although since there were no lances at the beginning, most call it The War Where the Dark Queen Whips All Our Asses.
349PC: Silvanesti is attacked. Lorac sends everyone packing, telling all not to worry, that he and the Dragon Orb have it all under control.

349 and 15 minutes AC: Lorac sends Silvanesti into eternal torment.

351AC: Most of Ansalon has fallen to the dragonarmies. The companions return to Solace where Goldmoon shows them proof of the old gods. I'm guessing if you don't know all the details from here on, you're on the wrong website. Now put the computer down before you hurt yourself.

352-353AC: The war is over. The good guys win. Read the bloody books.

355AC: My old drinking buddy, Gunthar Uth Wistan becomes head of the Knights of Solamnia. Now he won't return my calls.

356AC: Raistlin enters the Abyss to challenge the Dark Queen. I challenge Caramon to a drinking contest. The Raistlins go 0 for 2.

357AC: Kitiara attacks Palanthas and loses. Ariakan is set free after years of learning all the knightly secrets of the Solamnics. Thus the Nights of Takhisis are born. Way to be Gunthar.

358-361AC: The aging Heroes of the Lance start wielding other things… And that's where babies come from.

362AC: Alhana marries Porthios, uniting the elven kingdoms. The peace lasts about 15 minutes, right up to when the Qualinesti elves try to polka at the wedding.

366AC: Tanis' penis once again causes trouble, as Laurana gives birth to Puppet King Gilthas Three-QuarterElven.

370AC: The Knights of Takhisis finally unionize. The Knights of Solamnia are upset that their uniforms are not as cool.

373-374AC: Tika keeps on birthin' babies.

378AC: Tanis and Caramon travel to Storm's Keep and meet Steel Brightblade as he enters the Knighthood for the bad guys. Tanis and Caramon return to the Solamnics and report that yes, their uniforms are much cooler.

380AC: Riverwind and Goldmoon unite the tribes of barbarians. They initiate a mandatory deerskin loincloth dress code.

381AC: The Wizard's Conclave attacks the Knights of Takhisis at Storm's keep, angered that the Grey Knights did not pay their Krynnish Magic User membership dues. Those chaps are worse than the IRS. Odd that with all my magical skill, that the conclave did not harass me. Let me show you my Summon Ale spell. Hey bartender! Another round.

382AC: Things start to get interesting again as the elves exile Porthios and Alhana the instant Porthios finishes cleaning up Silvanesti. Gilthas is placed as king of the Qualinesti. Gunthar retires and the eldest Majere children are the first non-Solamnics admitted to the Knighthood. They live almost a full two weeks.

383PC: Those budding socialite Irda decide that breaking open the Graygem would make for a great party. Even the Ogres mock their stupidity. Chaos is unleashed on the world once again, and after eons cooped up in that gem, he is not the most well mannered fellow. The Dark Knights feel it's been far too long since the last war, so they start another one. Raistlin is released from the Abyss for comic relief.

0: In what is to become another calendar defining moment (which I must say annoyed me, for I was only a few months into my new Knights of the Black Teddy calendar), the aptly named Summer of Chaos ends in the Second Cataclysm. Most of the original companions and a great number of their children kick the proverbial bucket in the battle with Chaos. Tasslehoff finishes off Chaos, and the gods decide that the whole Krynn scene just isn't happening anymore, so they all go on extended vacation. I wait patiently for Tacky to get bored and return to try to take over the world… again. Its not like she has any other marketable skills.

Here friend I must pause our lesson yet again. It sounds as if some fool has played the entire Ken'Sync (you know, the boy band from Balifor) album on the jukebox. I must find this poor misguided bloke and direct his attention to the “No Kenderpop” sign, right after I unplug the juke and stop that infernal noise. Fear not, I shall return shortly. Then I shall complete your education of Krynnish history, up to the present day. I know the anticipation must be killing you.

In the meantime, you may send me some e-mail at raisted@dragonlanceunderground.com if you have any questions regarding any part of this lesson that you slept through.

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1-300AC:	This period was known as the Shadow Years. The Knights were persecuted and blamed. Facial hair goes out of style. The Seeker movement begins, and televangelism is invented. Without televisions, of course.
3-140AC:	Takhisis locates the Temple of Istar. That happens in 3AC. The other 137 years she spends trying to get the air conditioning to work.
39AC:	The Dwarfgate War starts when the dwarves of Thorbardin decide they will not share their stash of granola bars with the humans and hill dwarves. This starts a ruckus, ending when Fistandantilus, err Raistlin, I mean Fistlin nukes them all to nothing more than Skullcap gift shop souvenirs.
141AC:	Tacky uses the Foundation Stone from the Temple of Istar to make a gateway to Krynn. I would have used the front door myself.
142-152AC:	Takhisis travels Krynn, waking the chromatic dragons. They all respond with "Aw mom, just ten more minutes!"
157AC:	Berem stumbles upon the Foundation Stone, closing the gateway to the Abyss and getting a really sweet gem stuck in his chest in the process. Tacky decides to post guards at her only entrance into the world next time she tries to take over.
203AC:	Flint Fireforge is born. History remembers him as the most unmocked and thus most forgettable companion. There are many "important" births listed in this period of time. I have yet to find anyone who cares.
249AC:	Tanis Bi-Sexual is born. Just for the record, not all half-elves are beard-toting nymphomaniac whiners. No, I lied. They are.
271AC:	Lauranalanthalasa comes crying into the world. She doesn't stop crying for a few hundred years.
287AC:	The chromatic dragons steal the eggs of the good dragons. I still cannot imagine a large red wyrm sneaking into a lair and snatching eggs without being noticed. "Ooh, what's that?" "What's what? Is there something behind the large red dragon stealing our kids?"
296AC:	The dragons of good pledge not to join the upcoming war if Takhisis does not hurt their eggs. Valerie Bertinellus stars in the Lifetime Special, “Not Without My Dragon Eggs”. Meanwhile, fight promoters worry that with only one side having dragons, DRAGON WAR IV might have to be renamed.
313-332AC:	The rest of those Heroes of the Lance are born. Yay.
332-340AC:	Dragon Highlords begin leading the dragonarmies. Which are probably why they are not called Hobgoblin Lords.
337AC:	Evil seeps from the Foundation Stone corrupting the surrounding lands. It's like Amway, but not quite as evil.
341AC:	Neraka offers an alliance with the neighboring lands. In exchange, the neighboring lands get to not die.
342AC:	Draconians are created from magically corrupted metallic dragon eggs. It took many tries to perfect the process. The first attempts left horrors of nature, like Poison, Warrant, and all the other hair bands of the 80's.
343-347AC:	The armies of the Dark Queen train. Every store sells out of Tae-Bo tapes.
344AC:	Steel Brightblade, proud son of Sturm and Kitiara, is born. I still wake up screaming at night knowing that Sturm actually got laid.
346AC:	The companions part ways, supposedly to search for any sign of the old gods. Tanis searches every brothel from Solace to Icewall.
348AC:	The War of the Lance begins. Although since there were no lances at the beginning, most call it The War Where the Dark Queen Whips All Our Asses.
349PC:	Silvanesti is attacked. Lorac sends everyone packing, telling all not to worry, that he and the Dragon Orb have it all under control.
349 and 15 minutes AC:	Lorac sends Silvanesti into eternal torment.
351AC:	Most of Ansalon has fallen to the dragonarmies. The companions return to Solace where Goldmoon shows them proof of the old gods. I'm guessing if you don't know all the details from here on, you're on the wrong website. Now put the computer down before you hurt yourself.
352-353AC:	The war is over. The good guys win. Read the bloody books.
355AC:	My old drinking buddy, Gunthar Uth Wistan becomes head of the Knights of Solamnia. Now he won't return my calls.
356AC:	Raistlin enters the Abyss to challenge the Dark Queen. I challenge Caramon to a drinking contest. The Raistlins go 0 for 2.
357AC:	Kitiara attacks Palanthas and loses. Ariakan is set free after years of learning all the knightly secrets of the Solamnics. Thus the Nights of Takhisis are born. Way to be Gunthar.
358-361AC:	The aging Heroes of the Lance start wielding other things… And that's where babies come from.
362AC:	Alhana marries Porthios, uniting the elven kingdoms. The peace lasts about 15 minutes, right up to when the Qualinesti elves try to polka at the wedding.
366AC:	Tanis' penis once again causes trouble, as Laurana gives birth to Puppet King Gilthas Three-QuarterElven.
370AC:	The Knights of Takhisis finally unionize. The Knights of Solamnia are upset that their uniforms are not as cool.
373-374AC:	Tika keeps on birthin' babies.
378AC:	Tanis and Caramon travel to Storm's Keep and meet Steel Brightblade as he enters the Knighthood for the bad guys. Tanis and Caramon return to the Solamnics and report that yes, their uniforms are much cooler.
380AC:	Riverwind and Goldmoon unite the tribes of barbarians. They initiate a mandatory deerskin loincloth dress code.
381AC:	The Wizard's Conclave attacks the Knights of Takhisis at Storm's keep, angered that the Grey Knights did not pay their Krynnish Magic User membership dues. Those chaps are worse than the IRS. Odd that with all my magical skill, that the conclave did not harass me. Let me show you my Summon Ale spell. Hey bartender! Another round.
382AC:	Things start to get interesting again as the elves exile Porthios and Alhana the instant Porthios finishes cleaning up Silvanesti. Gilthas is placed as king of the Qualinesti. Gunthar retires and the eldest Majere children are the first non-Solamnics admitted to the Knighthood. They live almost a full two weeks.
383PC:	Those budding socialite Irda decide that breaking open the Graygem would make for a great party. Even the Ogres mock their stupidity. Chaos is unleashed on the world once again, and after eons cooped up in that gem, he is not the most well mannered fellow. The Dark Knights feel it's been far too long since the last war, so they start another one. Raistlin is released from the Abyss for comic relief.
0:	In what is to become another calendar defining moment (which I must say annoyed me, for I was only a few months into my new Knights of the Black Teddy calendar), the aptly named Summer of Chaos ends in the Second Cataclysm. Most of the original companions and a great number of their children kick the proverbial bucket in the battle with Chaos. Tasslehoff finishes off Chaos, and the gods decide that the whole Krynn scene just isn't happening anymore, so they all go on extended vacation. I wait patiently for Tacky to get bored and return to try to take over the world… again. Its not like she has any other marketable skills.