The Chief Ambassador of Solomnia, Ordsom Wellis, reported today that the Grand Council of Knights have reached a unanimous and very difficult decision. He has been told to deliver a message to the people of Krynn, and that message is, "We give up." Indeed, it does seem that the Solomnic Knights have completely stopped all patrolling of their borders as well as all other militaristic action. More disturbing than the lack of military action though is the message of "We give up." Nobody seems to know who this message is directed to, espicially since in the first time in recent history, the Solomnics haven't actually been fighting with ANYONE. We'll have more on this as it develops.
Dismayed by the loss of Tavin Springfingers, who incidentally gave them more press coverage than any other reporter, the Gnomish community has built a twenty-five foot tall statue in commemoration. By pressing a button on the statues base and telling it something, the statue would offer an uplifting remark, and spit out a small golden nugget "of joy" for the person to keep. Not suprisingly, at its first test, when the button was pressed the statue came free of its groundings and stormed out of Mount Nevermind. The statue was last seen in Nordmaar, crushing houses and pistol whipping citizens with said nuggets.
The Food Association on Kender and Elves, also known as F.A.K.E., has released a report several days ago giving evidence that for other races, elf meat is extremely nutritious. SO nutritious, in fact, that it may actually prolong ones lifespan by several years, cure diseases and wounds, and alleviate pains and illnesses. In a move that shocked nobody, the Elven nations Qualinesti and Silvanesti have yet again closed their borders, but to no avail.
There has already been an unbelievable surge of warriors storming through the forests, killing and destroying as they go. So popular this fact has become, in fact, that a resteraunt chain has opened near the borders of the two nations. Aptly named McKinslayer, the Dark Elf owned establishment serves elf meat in all its meals. McKinslayer has even been advertised as "The Home of the 99 Copper Elf Burger". We were lucky enough to interview a lost Qualinesti scout by the name of Keiser Sohzay. According to Mr. Sohzay, the elves have taken up throwing sausages, chicken, hamburger, and other assorted meats at attackers in hopes of distracting them or driving them away. Mr. Sohzay also gave us reliable information that the elves are investigating F.AK.E., which they believe may not be telling the truth about its findings.
When asked what he thought about the dining establishments that have been profiting from elf meat, Sohzay only shook his head and responded, "Why does this always happen to us? You never see this crap happening to the Minotaurs.. just to us." After interviewing Mr. Sohzay, we ate him. He was very delectible, but unfortunately none of us have felt any different or seen any of the supposed effects of the elf meat.
More astounding news from Solomnia today. It seems that the Solomnic Knights have taken "Giving up" to the extreme. The Knights have been completely disbanded and a new order formed. Calling themselves the Humanitarians of Solomnia, this new faction lives to serve the people of Krynn by providing humanitarian help and promoting peace. There have been some holdovers from the old regiments, though. The Oath and the Measure still stand, although they stand revised. The oath is now "Est Sularis Ek Dustal" or "My honor is in Peace". The measure, once an exhaustive and detailed report of instructions on how to conduct oneself as a knight, has now been reduced to a fifteen page booklet containing lyrics to songs sung by the bards Enya, Marley, and Dylan as well as mistrel groups such as Creedence Clearwater Revival, Pink Floyd, and The Beatles.
Also borrowing from the disbanded Knights, the Humanitarians are classified in three ranks: The Humanitarians of the Cubbard, whose job is to provide relief to the needy in the way of providing provisions such as medicine and food, The Humanitarians of the Hammer, who help victims with manual labor such as helping to rebuild homes and preparing shelters for storms, and finally The Humanitarians of the Sponge and Pail, whose job is to assess possible threats to nature and the environment and to attempt to peacefully resolve the issue.
We interviewed a Humanitarian of the Cubbard, a lively character by the name of Hurvey Rahbbit about the reasoning behind the sudden switch. Hurvey answered, "Like, dude, we have so much to atone for, man. Like so much hurting and stuff, its like, wow." The general reaction the world over to the new Solomnic force has been shock, then intense laughter. We see why.