From the very dawn of time, leading up to the moment of your wonderous arrival to read this article...
It is indeed time once again for........
Tavin's Nugget of Joy 07-06-03
Tavin's Nugget of JOY!
Today, folks, we have a special guest with us for our first ever interview since the return to Dragonlance Underground (Copyrighted by Mages of the Plains INC, LTD, PPC, and ABC- Patent Pending, Any and all use of Dragonlance Underground, DLU, or the term "Smarmy Bubbles" is expressly prohibited without written legal consent of aforementioned copyright owners, violators will be violated, prosecutors will be prosecuted, shipping and handling not included, offer void in Utah). I've never met our guest personally, however, our assistant production manager, Mr. Alwendal Crutchinbald has assured us that he is a very, VERY interesting kender who has led a life filled with mystery and adventure! Everyone, please welcome Mr. Delwin Talespinner!!!!!!
| Delwin: | Hello, Tavin. It's great to be here! I've really been wanting to do an interview for a long time, and the Palanthas Times was first in my mind in publications to go to. |
| Tavin: | Well, thank you Delwin! Its always nice to have our readers pay us a compliment. |
| Delwin: | Actually, I don't read. Never learned how. Not much of a chance to learn all that when you're off protecting the world from the Dark Queen. |
| Tavin: | Oh, well that makes sens.... Did you say 'Protecting the world'? |
| Delwin: | That's right. I helped protect the world from Takhisis and her dark forces. |
| Tavin: | That's amazing! You've GOT to tell us more!! |
| Delwin: | Certainly! It was a rough time I had... Well, Caramon and I both had the roughest time out of the Companions. |
| Tavin: | The Companions!?! |
| Delwin: | Yeah, you MAY have heard of them. Raistlin and Caramon Majere, Tanis Half-Elven, Sturm Brightblade, Tasslehoff Burrfoot, Flint Fireforge, Tika Waylan, Laurana... and me of course. |
| Tavin: | Well, I hate to be a spoilsport, but I've heard quite a bit about the Companions. You're name, however, seemed to get skipped in just about every story ever told about them. |
| Delwin: | That'll happen. You see, I played a tremendous role in the War of the Lance. Every major event that you hear about the Companions being at... I was there. When that simp, Lord "Toadie" first came to arrest the group, while Raistlin distracted them with his magical deceptions of the so called "Great Worm", it was I who secured their exit! When they first ran into Draconians, it was none other than myself who drew the first lizard blood of that day. Do you think that it was REALLY that simpleton Tasslehoff who had the wherewithall to smash the Dragon Orb at the Whitestone Council? It was ME! Sure, the others may have found the metal to MAKE the dragonlances, but who was it who made the perilous journey day after day collecting materials for Theros to actually FORGE the things? While THEY were off gallavanting around and killing themselves in the useless defense of meaningless castles, I was out every single day gathering water for the smithy, and food for us both. It was I who was fueling the hope for the future! Certainly, everyone saw Tanis Half-Elven strike the High Priest in Neraka, but did anyone see the kender weilding the hidden dagger that REALLY ended the foul Ariakas' life? NO! After all that I've done for this world I don't even get the simple gratitude that I deserve. |
| Tavin: | Gosh.... I'm sorry, I guess. I honestly didn't know that you were such an important figure in the shaping of our history..... |
| Delwin: | You're darn right I am! |
| Tavin: | But.. after all those impressive and important deeds... how is it that you've been omitted from all the tales and historic documents? |
| Delwin: | I'm glad you asked. The answer is simple. Racism. |
| Tavin: | Racism? |
| Delwin: | Racism. |
| Tavin: | I.. uhm.. did I hear you right...... ? |
| Delwin: | Simply put, the people in power are afraid of kender. They're afraid of what kender could do if they were seen as anything else but "harmless little children with a knack and driving you nuts and delving through your pouches". They see kender as a threat, so they've used their strongarm tactics to keep word of my wonderous deeds from reaching the public! Its an insult! Not just to me, but to all of kenderkind! It saddens me to see that our roles are dumbed down to nothing but comic relief, especially when many kender throughout history have done so many world changing things.... |
| Tavin: | Really? |
| Delwin: | What about Balif? The great KENDER hero. He founded Balifor, the great kender nation, and was a kender's kender in all respects. However, mention the fact that Balif was a great general in the Silvanesti army, and that the land of Balifor, on which the kender nation rests was given to Balif by Silvanos himself and they all turn up their noses and reply, "Balif was a great ELF, and you had best not disgrace his name by relating him to a similarly named kender." |
| Tavin: | Wow. I'd never even thought about that. What other great kender have shaped our lives? |
| Delwin: | Well.... |
| Tavin: | Yeah? |
| Delwin: | .................. |
| Tavin: | ......... |
| Delwin: | ..... they aren't important right now. Let's get back to me, and the role that I played! |
| Tavin: | Okay. You mentioned earlier that history has been biased against having kender in any leading role, but what about Tasslehoff Burrfoot? He was a kender. Not only that, he was a credited Hero of the Lance as well as one of the fabled Companions! |
| Delwin: | Bah. Tasslehoff was no kender. He was a human. Not only that but a stupid human at that. |
| Tavin: | You're downright DAFT! Tasslehoff is one of the great kender heroes! |
| Delwin: | You're not very observant for an "Investigative Reporter", are you Springfingers? I'll bet you didn't even know that you guys have a baby Wyvern hanging around outside your offices. OF COURSE TASSLEHOFF WAS A HUMAN! Did he seem to act like a kender much in the tales you've heard? |
| Tavin: | In most, yes, he did. There are some parts of most stories that make him say or do things that don't sound rather kenderlike, but I've always chalked that up to something lost in the translation as story is told and retold throughout the years. |
| Delwin: | Well, its not true. Tasslehoff was really human. A human so incredibly idiotic that they decided to make him a kender in all the tales, that way only the kender race looked bad. You see, everything is meant to bring the kender down and to keep him under control. |
| Tavin: | Wow... Well, I guess..... |
| Delwin: | Now, with THAT out of the way, lets get back to how incredibly GREAT I am. Have you ever heard of the continent Taladas? |
| Tavin: | Why yes, I've gone adventuring there on several occasions. |
| Delwin: | Well, there was a time that I saved the continent of Taladas by defeating the Minotaur League, solving the curse of the Sharkmen, and sealing away the demon at the top of the lava sea in the middle of the continent! |
| Tavin: | ... Huh.. but that sounds like..... |
| Delwin: | Yes, it was just Soltonalas the elf and myself against the hordes! |
| Tavin: | What the... THAT WAS ME! THAT WAS MY ADVENTURE!!!! |
| Delwin: | No, you've only deluded yourself into thinking that it was your adventure. It was really MINE. |
| Tavin: | That's it! This interview is over! |
| Delwin: | I have more to tell! The War of the Lance was rigged! |
| Tavin: | Out! |
| Delwin: | Takhisis is a puppet controlled by Bupu! |
| Tavin: | OUT! |
| Delwin: | GOLDMOON WAS A PROSTITUTE!!!!!! |
| Tavin: | GET HIM OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! |
[At this point, the interview ended with Delwin being dragged out of our interview room and ejected rather forcefully from our offices. For those of you who want to know what happened to Delwin the "Hero of the Lance", it seems that there was one thing that he DIDN'T lie about- A juvenile Wyvern actually HAD wandered out to camp in front of our offices. He seemed to enjoy Delwin quite a lot.]
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